Originally Posted by Phy
Sorry to hear that you are exposed to such a rough situation. I know that I would be extremely disappointed and kind of outraged if my partner would disregard me in this way. As I see it, you told him what was going on, you never did something behind his back and he isn't able to gauge his reaction about what is going on. All fine and well, it's totally natural to be overwhelmed by one's own emotional reaction, but the way he is pressuring you and giving you ultimatums and such ... real deal breaker for me. I would never allow anyone to treat me like this or demand that I should treat another person like this ( in your case the girl you are involved with).
Just for a better understanding: Is this some kind of normal behaviour from your point of view? Who is the one getting his needs met primarily in your relationship? It sounds like he comes from either a place of security, feeling absolutely right in demanding this of you or if he is totally insecure and overreacting in this situation. I can't tell what it is right now. Depending on the circumstances, you should either put your foot down and stand up for yourself or reassure him that he still holds importance to you and you aren't just walking over his needs.
Those would be my first impressions. Of course, I can be way off here. Wishing you luck nevertheless how the situation may work out.
Thank you for the reply. so as to our question...
He has always been the dominant one in the relationship. It is typical for him to get what he wants at the expense of what I want, that has been the norm unfortunately and for a very long time I let him get away with it and was very passive. In the past couple of years though I started trying to assert myself and ask for the things I want, he sees it as challenging him.
I feel like he is saying that my needs and desires are not important or that they are if he can use them for his benefit and then only on terms that he lays out. The whole thing just feels hurtful to me and I cannot seem to get through his jealousy to a place where he understands where I am coming from. I honestly think that our marriage would be stronger and us happier in this arrangement but he is unwilling to even consider it unless he is having sex with my partner too. That would be ok with me but for the fact that he is literally demanding it when he hasn't even met her (just outrageous to me). And he goes on to tell me that I can have alone time with her only if this happens, it feels like he is using something he knows that I want to bait me into exploiting her for his pleasure which feels really bad to me.
I just dont know where to go from here. I have a deadline and no answers. On the one hand I have a good marriage for the most part, I know he loves me, we have two great kids, all that goes with that..... but I want a girlfriend, and if he makes me cut contact with her I am going to be unhappy and resentful about it. He has stated over and over how selfish my wants are, maybe they are. I just think I am human....