I did the TEA exercises, and they worked! I was really good, M noticed it - "it's like when we first met again", my friends noticed it "you're a lot more upbeat lately" and my marks noticed it - straight A's. What was most important of course is that I noticed it. I really began to feel good, but a large part of that hinged on the fact M was happy, and we were getting time together. This is a primary purpose for many men, to make their woman happy, it was working, I was ecstatic.
Now the confession bit. Work piled up and up at university and M's workload was a freakin nightmare, mine was 3/4 of hers and 14 hour days were the norm. We barely got any time, but it was ok. For weeks we barely got any time together. I missed her bad, saw her briefly at school, quick sex and she's off again bout once a week, things to be grateful for. I began to feel sad again, lonely, unloved. YUK. I knew that TEA works, but had stopped using it for about a month. WHY?? I knew my thinking was going wrong and I needed to do something (TEA) but for some stupid reason I was resistant to helping myself and began to slide.
I brought up my insecurities and other head crap with M several times in the past fortnight. When M announced she was spending her birthday away I tried to be cooperative but I wasn't and pretty much gave her a guilt trip.
So, here I am, checking in, an unfinished story. Why I returned to this self-destructive behaviour I don't know. I do know it's time to admit that I should never have stopped the TEA (as it works - for me) and I need to make it a regular part of my schedule as when the pressure is on I can revert back to idiot in short order.
All my unhappiness is about fear - I am not good enough, thus, I will always be alone. BUT! M has said - I will always come back to you. I will go overseas working and on holiday, I will go see him, but I will always come back. Why am I so sad. If I had 100% of a womans time - I would ask for less! - some ME time for me, surely! The time she leaves to be with him I am at my most vulnerable, this is where I needed her support, but I had not been supportive, so what did I expect.
I chose to accept her polyamory, but I let myself slide back into the angst and crap. I've been TEA again for 2 days, still dark in my head but it's bearable. It took 2-3 days last time for the raw edge to get rasped off using TEA.
That's another thing. This time she left, we were not on a good foot. Yet I was nowhere near as down as last time, and the first time - suicidal, medicated. There is certainly a lot of improvement.
The problem then is not so much the polyamory today, but me using emotional leverage to make her feel bad as I have been wallowing in it, then us being apart on bad terms after a long period of having very little time.
We need some quality time, and it will come shortly.