Originally Posted by BaggagePatrol
It sounds like you were both unclear on where the other person stood, and it sounds like you really want an independent partnership with another woman. It's unfortunate that it's come to a place of ultimatums, but if your husband is feeling like he was deceived, and now feels threatened, it makes sense that he would be acting from a place of fear and defensiveness. I'm not saying that how he is responding is "right" but I can see where he would be coming from without necessarily agreeing with him.
It sounds like the only way that he is comfortable with you exploring your bisexuality is within the context of a threesome. This sounds like his ideal, but it doesn't sound like yours. The complication of your growing emotional attachment to his woman is certainly an important consideration as well.
How best do you think that you can answer your husband's concerns right now, given that he is putting your marriage on the line? Do you feel like your bond with this woman is strong enough to survive a break while you get clear in your marriage? What do you think your next steps forward should be? Have either of you done any reading on poly? (Opening Up, The Ethical Slut, etc?)
I hear that you're suffering right now, and for that I'm sorry. The beginning of opening up a relationship can be VERY challenging, and you have my sympathy.
Yes I completely understand where he is coming from but it doesn't make it ok with me for him to toss out ultimatums for me based solely on jealous emotions. I think that he is coming from a place that he feels my need for intimacy with another female somehow equals that I don't love him. I tried to explain my needs with him as best I could but I think he feels hurt and insecure that I have needs that he cannot fulfill.
I am open to a threesome as well and he has expressed a desire to do that for a long time I just didn't understand that he thought he had open sexual rights to anyone I saw. Especially since I asked him specifically if I could see someone without him and he said yes. I just dont want to do that exclusively. i want time alone with her and I think everyone can agree here that the emotional and sexual experiences alone and in a threesome even with the same person are quite different. He feels that I should be ale to adequately explore this side of me with him always there, I disagree.
I was talking to a friend who mentioned poly and that is how I ended up here today. I have heard of it before but didnt look into it in any depth but as I read it describes what I want perfectly. I dont think loving two people is a betrayal and I have been open and honest about things every step of the way so I really was not expecting this reaction from him.
I have talked with her and she is willing to be my platonic friend while we sort this out. I am not a cheater, never been, but I do very much want her to be a part of my life. I know that makes me selfish and hubby has been very verbal about pointing that out but I also feel that his stance is selfish as well.
Thank you so much for your reply and if you have any more thoughts, id love to hear them. I can see that many of you have a lot of experience with this here and I do want to make the right decisions. I am having a lot of mixed feelings from right now on the matter. I will definitely look a the reading list.