an old interest comes back into the picture. it's making me think. more.
i've had "daddy issues" (not severe or debilitating, by any means) forever. so what. but am trying to figure out why i want the lifestyle i want.
more emotio-intellectual retching...most of this is stream-of-consciousness and possibly just fantasy. but i'm going to fantasize out loud, on-page anyway.
it seems there's a thread of sexual possibility in most friendships i have. but i don't want to fuck every friend i have. but i want to feel that i COULD fuck any friend i have (if it was mutual) without royally pissing off anyone super-important to me. if a connection naturally extends into sexuality, cool.
i don't want to settle down with one. or twenty. i want to be a part of twenty's lives - male and female - and still have room for more. sexually and nonsexually.
i also want to sleep close at night to one (or in the middle of two! whom) i trust and love. not always, but a lot of nights.
i wish all the people i loved could just be one big tribe. for a lot of my life, i've dreamed of having a community-living situation made up of artists & musicians.... like, one MASSIVE house on fifty acres in which we each have rooms, live as democratically as possible, and in/from which a lot of really creative stuff gets brought into the world. more recently i think it would be better to have a lot of very small houses on a mile section out in the boondocks somewhere....
i don't think i want ONE partner. i want plenty of lovers, friends, and companions, and to be able to show them love and be shown the same without anybody freaking out. and not worry about anybody dictating to any of us where lines should be drawn. i LIKE the lines being fuzzy! or maybe there doesn't even have to be a line in the first place.
personal boundaries are cool (necessary). imposed lines/rules are not.
i think part of my longtime need for a lot of time to myself comes from feeling these ways, wanting these things, and stuffing a lot of that way down because it wouldn't fly with so many of the people making up my daily life. i'm coming to care less and less lately. it feels good to care less about what people think of me or the things i like/want, but i can still freak out once in a while if i feel i'm being abandoned by someone(s) important to me because they don't like some way that i am.
does anyone else feel any of this "tribal-want" stuff?
i think it was in one of Redpepper's posts that she described having all "her people" out on the back porch together at once, a moment she once thought couldn't happen - but once she stood there witnessing it, in the middle of it....pure bliss.
*wistful sigh* yeah, something very much like that. i could be a very happy cat on a rug in a house often full of people i love coming and going, as they pleased.
sooo....i'm crazy, right?