Yeah, Skype rules. Just had a sweet chat with Carob about a bunch of things, including possibly blogging here together. Also we're getting better at sexing over video, it's pretty excellent actually. Mm. Yes.
Re: shared blog - He brought up some good points about it likely changing the dynamics of the blog, and also being unsure if he wanted to read the inner workings of things from my perspective. Like, maybe this is good for my own processing, and I can simply share with him on a case-by-case basis. (I told him I already do this actually... there've been a few times I've nutted things out here, and fed that back into our discussions.)
Carob also suggested, if we do blog together, it could be better if I kept this one for me, and we start something different the two of us. That was a really good idea, and one I'd quite enjoy I reckon. I said he should think about whether he feels like putting the time in, and get back to me. Cool
I'd love to read what Sugar would write on things too (as well as others we are / have been involved with of course) but I doubt he'd be keen on the time investment. I get the impression that he's already having to put in more effort than he'd like for poly things. He's not really interested in getting into a new relationship himself (because of the time/energy that would involve) so, yeah. But I will ask. Might be interesting if we can create a space that he and/or Ella or anyone else we're involved with could chip in. Haha, yeah, maybe I'm dreaming... but it's nice to dream a little.
On a low note, Sugar's been feeling down since yesterday. Er, well, I'm pretty sure I triggered it. We were both sitting around on Saturday afternoon after doing marketing and laundry, minding our own affairs. Things were fine, chillaxed. Then he said he was thinking of having a smoke (some sort of legal marijuana substitute), relaxing and doing some painting, and this (for some reason) made me feel like pouncing him. So all of a sudden I drag him to bed and proposition him, like: c'mon baby do me before you get into painting
This was quite out of the blue and he was a bit taken aback. He said "where did that come from?" And for some reason, this released a bag of bad vibes...
I didn't really know where my reaction had come from. My first guess, though, made things roll sideways pretty quickly.
"I dunno, I just wanted to get in there before you get involved with other things."
"What do you mean?"
"Like, after you have a smoke, you usually want to hang by yourself."
"But we just spent two hours side by side doing our own thing."
"Oh man, were you feeling weird about that? Did you want to be doing things together?"
"No, I was fine with it, and I thought you were too."
"I was, ah, I don't know, I don't even know whether this is why I suddenly felt like jumping you. It wasn't rational."
That was the tone of our conversation. We hobbled through it and went our own ways after that, only Sugar now felt down. Fuck I hate depression, I'm really bad at handling it. I know my own moods, I know (mostly) what I need to do to manage myself... but someone else's moods? S being down triggers me, especially in a case like this where I feel I was the cause of him feeling bad.
He needs space to sort his own head out, and yup - I can give him that. (He's off walking by himself right now) Just I don't know what to do with my own reaction, wanting to reach out and hold him, wanting to apologise for all manner of things, from recent things I'm sorry for, to fucking up everything in general (yeah, it's all out of proportion at this stage). I feel like an awful partner. He feels awful for making me feel awful. Yeah, it's bad.
I end up doing things like making sure he's warm, making him food, giving him massages if he'd like that. (Gave him a foot massage before he headed off, which was nice) But I also need to care for my own head, so we don't spiral.
One good thing this time, though, is he told me he was feeling sad. Some occasions he pretends he isn't feeling sad (when he obviously is.) He says "I'm okay, I'm just tired." I take him at face value, but then can't comprehend how he's behaving towards me. Later, he generally admits "yeah I was feeling depressed. But I didn't want to tell you otherwise it would make you upset too." Argh! Yeah, he's right, it does also make me upset (obviously) but I need him to tell me the truth. I dunno, lying hurts and confuses me. I don't ever want to have to read between the lines.
So, this time, I stress how grateful I was that he was upfront about feeling down. Even though he wanted to avoid upsetting me. Yeah, small steps forward.
As for me, I think I'd like to work through my own guilt towards Sugar. As I said there are a whole range of things which I feel bad about, that get dredged up when he feels sad. I know it's not really my fault
he's upset, but y'know? It's really hard to feel ok as a partner, when the person you wanna be the sunshine for is seeing nothing but rain.
I really fucking struggle with these moments. I haven't had enough experience with depression (personally or dealing with partner's depression) to be the right kind of supportive, I think. But I'm doing my best.
One thing I would like to do is to pay some close attention to the various things I feel sorry for re: Sugar, maybe compile a litany of guilts
I think it will feel better to name the shadows, at least as a first step towards dispelling them.
Also, make sure I'm there and willing to put in time for him. We probably need some more agreed-upon dates. I dunno, right now I feel like I've churned from one whirlpool into another. (Need some respite) But I guess that's how this system works, we gotta adjust and adjust til the dynamics are right.
Sugar and I've been working at sex between us. As I mentioned at the start of this blog, that aspect of our relationship went from pretty fucking hot and hard-out to - well - fairly non-existent these days. Well, the energy has dissipated into different things, different ways of being together. We are quite content and familiar and on some level don't really mind that we're not fucking as often or as intensely as we used to. But gah, I miss it. I miss it in an absolute sense, and I also miss the confidence it gave me in our relationship. I feel we're missing a piece at the moment. The machine still runs alright, but there's that nut loose... threatening to fly off...
Talking with Sugar about how much I miss sex kinda fucks shit up. There's too much guilt there. And I have to admit, I'm okay about waiting for sex until he feels more in the mood. (As long as it's not forever... ? ? Hehe. Dammit, maybe even then! Therein lies the issue, I guess)
We've had moments of amazing tenderness and openness about the topic, but it's hard.
At my darkest points I wonder - what if this poly stuff has made things irrevocably worse between us sexually? Even if I knew for sure it was poly that was the problem (i.e. all that would 'fix' Sugar's & my sexual relationship would be for me to be with him and him alone), would that mean I was willing to change to being monogamous? (That would hurt like fuck, now, I don't think that is really an option for me... But god, should it be?)
We confronted this issue recently in conversation. Sugar said that it's possible (as much as anything is possible) that he'd feel like having sex with me more if he knew I wasn't able to get it anywhere else. Some people in monogamous relationships claim that being monogamous helps keep the sex alive for them, or something. But yeah, this is all hypothetical and it's really not where we're at (to experiment with this.) As above, it's kind of a non-option for us. So thankfully, we can only conjecture... I suppose it's a blessing that we can't know for sure if this would help, anyway.
Some ideas we've come up with to crank the fire have been: to try our best to be open to sex, to make an effort to touch heaps (sexually or not), to write / share erotic fiction (something we've done more in the past), and - recently - spanking.
Well, I stumbled upon this on-line discussion between wives who had asked their husbands to spank them regularly and, fuck, to be honest it was a huge turn-on. Sugar and I play about with the husband/wife dynamic in a jokey way often, and this seemed perfect. Seems like some people get spanked a set amount every day/week/whatever regardless of any particular reasons or transgressions.
It's twisted but it pushed my buttons. We definitely do not have the Man-Wears-The-Pants arrangement in our relationship, well... eh. If you don't understand what consensual mindfuck is, you won't get this
But anyway, I brought this fantasy up with Sugar, and asked him "Do you think it would help if you spanked me regularly?"
He said "yeah, it probably would."
So, yeah. Definitely hitting him up about that (no pun intended) In fact, I have scored a spanking date for tonight. As far as I can tell he's still up for it, once he's had his time out this evening. Yay. If I manage to write out the things I feel guilty about, beforehand, I might send it to him as potential discussion points for when he spanks me
Ah man, feeling sorry for our neighbours right now. But not that
sorry. No, not really that sorry at all.
In other news, local poly group social on tonight. I may go. Absolutely saturated on the relationship front - no hook-ups, please! - but probably could use a poly-friendly environment to hang in. We'll see.