thank you <3
Originally Posted by rory
However, I think I'll skip reading poly stuff elsewhere for a while. When first becoming poly, I found so many useful and interesting things, but lately I've felt like I'm putting energy into things that aren't giving as much. First I got huge practical use out of what I read and processed, but now I feel that I've internalised most of what I feel is beneficial, and I want to concentrate on living only.
This has been working well. Actually, I've enjoyed rechanneling my energy and getting excited about something else for a change. I've read quite a bit about kink, and will probably continue at that for a while. Though while reading about kink it is unavoidable to stumble across some poly posts once in a while, since there's a bit of overlap. Or should I say, there's a correlation between alternative relationship styles and openness other kind of alternative relationship styles, not surprisingly. And generally openness is a quality that I will find interesting in a person, so the texts I end up reading are often written by persons who are open to different things. Yet, I've felt a bit weary when reading about heavy-duty relationship stuff, and more energy towards other subjects, so this confirms that it's time for a break from more extensive reading about it.
I think my exhaustion has something to do with poly-norms. They are not something tangible, and they are constantly negotiated. Yet, reading people's views about what poly should be like and what relationships should be like, or simply descriptions of how relationships work for them, has some kind of effect. I think for a long time it has been a positive effect: it has caused me to reflect on what I want in relation to that - "yes for me that similar independence is important but no, I would like to have relationship with this form of intimacy instead of that, etc.". I think that has helped me to figure out many things about what I want. However, now I think reading more feels a bit more constraining than liberating. There are various frameworks through which people understand their relationships, but I guess it is time for me to move beyond reflection, and process more through my own, unique framework of understanding. Not because it's better, but because it suits me just like other people's suit them. Obviously my view will have loads of similarities with other people's, and differences, too, and I enjoy finding those out. It just somehow feels like I have to take the time and space for it to continue forming with less reflection for a while.
I have absolutely no idea if any of that makes any sense at all. Anyway, I wanted to write about that regardless. I feel good and satisfied, I'm in a good place with myself and my life, including my relationships. Right now I feel no anxiety about future, poly-wise. The whole "not being enough" -fear that I've had a long time; it is gone. At least for now. I am what I am, I will choose what kind of things I want to pursue, and what I want to put my time and energy into, in life. That includes people I love in the ways they want to be a part of it and I want them to be a part of it. Somehow it all feel simple. There's some social conditioning I've managed to shed off, because it now feels simpler than it used to.