I've been thinking about kink a lot lately. I feel that I want to write about it, but I don't know what to write or where. This thread seemed like an appropriate place. I've had sub tendencies a long time, but I've suspected myself to be a switch for a while and confirmed it lately in exploring some of my dominant side. I definitely can enjoy pain, though it's complicated. Sometimes it's 100% enjoyment, the discomfort of pain is totally drowned into the pleasure of it. At other times pain can feel really.. well, painful. In a bad way. But still it also feels good.
Today I'm thinking that it's a strange head trip for me, to be under a person's domination. The mental experience is like nothing else. One minute I'm like "oh my god he really doesn't care if I hurt, he enjoys it, omg that's so HOT!"; and the next moment I'm "oh, he doesn't care if this feels uncomfortable to me
". It is strange to have completely conflicted feelings (not at the same time but within a small amount of time and in quite similar situations), in that I'm first turned on and then turned off by the same excact thing, i.e. seeing the sadism in my partner. I feel that I genuinely enjoy it, it gives me such pleasure to see my partner enjoy hurting me. I think that there's simply an occasional event when I need to be reassured that it is still not true, i.e., that my partner does still actually
care about how I feel and what I want. I guess it'll never stop surprisising me that my emotional reactions can be irrational...
Overall, I feel good about exploring these things with people I trust and am comfortable with. Yet, it's confusing sometimes, because it's hard to know what you want when part of you wants something and another doesn't and both are constantly changing. Sometimes, I want something physically so much but mentally not so much. Sometimes it's the other way around. Sometimes I want is physically and don't want it at the same time. Sometimes some part of my brain is totally for it but another is not.
Blending dominance/submission in with something I feel conflicted about will affect it to make it more simple, but sometimes more complex in other ways. If I'm told to do something, I need to spend less time thinking about how I feel about it since that's not the point anyway. Yet if it goes far off my comfort-zone, I get more conflicted since I don't know at what point I'm supposed to listen to the "don't want this" part of myself when I also have the "do want this" part in me simultaneously. Then, it might feel quite interesting to try some things that feel somewhat scary when I'm the one in power, since I can decide very specifically what I do want and what I don't, in a different manner. I haven't explored much to that direction, but I would like to. Yet, I wonder if I will be able to take much pain at all since I'll have to push myself into it instead of having somebody else do that dirty work. That will be seen.
There is a big part of me that craves extreme comfort in everything, including sexual intimacy. Yet that is not something that I can realistically have with another person for various reasons, mostly because of the fact that there really doesn't exist a physical body that would resemble my gender-identification. My feelings about that physicality and my sexuality are in continuous flux. That is why I don't think it would be realistic to aim for total comfort at all times except by never having sex with somebody else. I could try to maximise my comfort, which would likely include (among other things) not having sex with anybody male anymore. It is something I have considered, but have always concluded that in the larger scale of things what I want is not to aim for never feeling uncomfortable (which is not realistic as long as I want my sex life to include other people besides myself) but rather to balance discomfort and enjoyment. For me kink gets me in mental spaces where I can incorporate discomfort into my sexuality in various ways. For me sex is as much about what goes on mentally as what goes on physically.