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Old 05-25-2012, 10:56 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Outsider View Post
I don't find "do a tag search" is particularly off putting.

I do think it might be helpful if some of the more routine questions be placed somewhere on their own even as a sub topic or Sticky. How to tell your spouse, how to deal with jealousy etc.
Yeah, why are people getting bent out of shape when someone suggests searching the tags? Or doing an advanced search (because most people don't seem to bother tagging their threads anyway)? Sometimes a person doesn't have time to respond at length and just wants to point people to resources. I find it more annoying when a poster has obviously NOT searched before posting. Should the three or four years of good stuff here just fall to the wayside? If it isn't useful, it is often inspiring to read what others have gone through and struggled with, and often the solutions and suggestions in old threads would be very relevant to others today. My guess is that is why they are still there - some forums delete old, old threads and don't want old topics resurrected. But here it is encouraged. And every forum I visit or belong to will have a big bold "STOP!" at the top of the page and ask that people do a search before posting. But everyone wants to think they are unique and their problems are special.

In addition, there used to be a moderator here who liked to blend many related threads on recurring topics together into long "Master Threads" for easy referencing. She left last year and no one's doing that anymore, but I still wish it was because I think it is useful to have certain topics all in one place.

As for the stickies, we have quite a few, and we have the thread called "Links to Other Threads Worth Reading," but it seems like no one ever reads them (or the Guidelines) before posting their questions.

Quote:
Originally Posted by zylya View Post
I'm not suggesting handing out bans left-right-and-centre btw, just that moderators should remove posts that go too far, and talk to posters if they're nearly crossing the line - the idea being that they're there to encourage positive discussions where people don't feel attacked, even if they're disagreeing with your point.
The moderators do that already. They can only moderate the messages people post, they can't moderate how people take the words others write.

There's a difference between telling it straight, giving an opinion, and bullying, shaming, attacking, or whatever else people somehow misconstrue a message as being. I used to know someone who got upset and offended when her boss didn't say "please" whenever she asked her to do something. I just shook my head - people need more of a thick skin sometimes.

I recently came across this quote by Redpepper in another (ancient) thread, and I think it makes a lot of sense:
Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Um, this is a public forum, not a poly group. We all need to remember that we are on here to give our opinion and to do with information what we will. It's not about judging each other... if you are feeling judged anyone then I suggest you are investing too much emotion in this....

I gotta say that I recent that I put my time and energy into this forum and to be thought of as "judging" really frustrates me. If people don't want an opinion from me or anyone else on here, then I suggest you don't tell us your story.

We aren't here to be nice to each other always. We can get that from those close in our lives....
I said it before, it's kind of like driving in traffic. We have our opinion on how people should drive, but they never hear us when we are talking about it in our car as we watch them. On here, you hear us.... end of story.
So... just because a message seems harsh to someone doesn't mean they've been attacked or shamed or spoken down to. If they feel attacked when people are simply offering an opinion, I feel that perhaps they are being too sensitive. It is also very different when one reads something that, if it had been verbalized and heard in person, wouldn't have the same impact.

I don't think this thread was created about me and my posts, but I know some responders had me in mind when talking about posts they find problematic. I'm not interested in attacking, shaming, nor bullying (as if that were even possible) anyone, so I think it is ridiculous that my opinions are misunderstood to be any of those. As I have said a million times before, people should imagine what I write in my posts being said in a soft soothing voice, with a hand on your arm and said in the spirit of tough love, because the whole reason I'm here is to be part of this community and participate with concern and caring. The amount of people who PM me privately to thank me for my input, bluntness, and for asking them "tough" questions far outnumber those who get upset with my posts. And it's funny that the ones who are talking about "shaming" are the ones who wag their fingers and say "shame on you."

If you don't like my posts, do us both a favor and put me on your Ignore list. Please. Chances are you're already on mine.

At least some people get it:
Quote:
Originally Posted by sagency View Post
Having lived in the South, Northeast, and Northwest, I can understand how nycindie feels. The simple fact is sometimes Nyc is opinionated, and she's often direct, and some people are biased in their reactions to that. When I moved to the west coast, I had to learn how to speak Northwestern because people out here assumed my bluntness was a sign of arrogance or assholery.

I for one appreciate Nyc's directness, but I also know her compassion caveat. New folks likely don't and probably haven't figured out that she asks tough questions because she cares.

Thanks for taking the time, Nyc.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 05-26-2012 at 01:05 AM.
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