Living Poly Again.
I feel like I can fit back into my favourite pair of jeans again or something.... like poly has been at the back of the closet, and I had forgotten that it was even there. After that jumpy ride of our attempt of a triad, I feel like I have re-found my footing and am heading happily forward.
My mornings are pretty fun these days. Roll out of bed, say goodmorning to E & the dogs, get ready and then txt Sync, Mischief & Ranger to let them know I'm thinking of them and hope they have a great day. I think about the complexity of all of those relationships, and it makes my heart feel pretty full. Tentative or not, I am connected to both Mischief and Ranger insofar as they are a part of my re-opening up in my life and regardless of whether we last a month, a year or a decade, I definitely have some Feelings for them right now!
Ranger's off to a huge music festival for the weekend, Mischief is lamenting over the fact that he sold his extra ticket to a band that I would have loved to see tonight ("I didn't think I'd like you so much - dammit!") and then has plans with his sons, so that leaves me with a very nice weekend to enjoy with E, with a phone date with Sync tonight. Next weekend is when all of these plans will be put to the test, and I found myself overwhelmed with nervousness about it yesterday.
It's not E & Sync that's making me nervous mind you - I'm feeling so stable about that it's almost eerie, it's about Ranger and I. While I'm one of the more sexually liberated and expressive people that I know in my life, I am also very exclusive with my sexuality. I have only slept with three people in the past decade, and have never treated sex casually aside from a brief stint in my late teens. While I know that it's not a casual thing for either of us, it's still a new relationship, and I am always so cautious about sharing my sensual side with others.
I think that there is a conception still rooted in my head that some men are really only after sex (this is true, it's not just a conception, it's fact). While I know that Ranger is not one of these men, (and I'm pretty sure Mischief isn't either - but requires further investigation - I sent him a bunch of questions about that last night in an email) I think I am struggling with a little bit of that conception in my head - that I should "wait" and establish more of a relationship first. I don't really think that's necessary though.... I just want to follow my heart and my gut, and ignore Bossy Sally upstairs who feels the need to be prudent about a lot of things in life (no, I don't have multiple personalities.... you've got a Bossy Sally in you too, don't you?) This is a Good Man. He has a vasectomy, and I have paperwork from last week for his STI free status so there are no fears for me in regard to safety.
I do want to connect with him in this way, but also want to be really sure that I'm not a) giving away a sacred part of myself to someone flippantly or b) only sleeping with him this soon because Sync and E are going to be hooking up, and I want to even things out. While I know that there is quite a bit of truth in my fear of b) (ie - I wouldn't have pursued an individual relationship outside of my marriage if the dyad of Sync and E hadn't prompted me to) I certainly don't have any regrets about this process. I have also done a lot of internal checking to be sure that I'm not acting from a vindictive or vengeful place on ANY level. To me it's about keeping things even, not getting even on any level (Do people do that? I'm sure they do.....
Obviously I still have questions about this inside of myself though, and always want to be clear inside of myself before taking important steps forward - when I have done otherwise shit gets fucked fast. Ranger strikes me as the kind of man that would just "hold me" with blue balls and not make a peep about it if I decided not to have sex with him at the hotel - I can't imagine him being capable of doing anything else based on all that I know about him. So, I know that I have total freedom to be whoever I am in those moments with him without any kind of pressure, and that stills the nervous questions inside of me quite a lot.
I am so used to having intimacy with others without sex entering into it, that it's bizarre to have this newfound ability to have both. There is QUITE a lot of the "this is bizarre" element going on for me. Out on a date in a fancy restaurant touching someone's hand over a table, kissing a relative stranger in a Japanese garden like it's no big deal. It's like I just discovered that the best book in the world has three sequels or something.... I don't know how to describe this unique and wonderful experience of this new.... not dichotomy... quadotomy? (Is that a word? HAHAHA!) quality in my life.
Excited for tonight with Elemental - relaxing, trading massages, hot tub and a movie. Today has been this amazing day of meetings, creativity and the coming together of some massive projects. I was offered a position as President on a local board that I used to be on - I turned it down as I'm too busy and I find their organization disorganized on a Board level, but it was nice to be thought of just the same. I know I could whip them into shape - I just don't want to LOL. Was interviewed by a freelance writer this afternoon about saving those ducks last week and my fundraiser that I'm running right now is TOTALLY taking off - article in the paper, a videographer came by to make a short film about it yesterday and another article was just published in an online journal, it's been featured on both local radio stations and just went to a State wide level. Spent some time in a sacred Aboriginal/First Nations space this morning for an early morning board meeting, and was gifted with this gorgeous book, got a personal tour of the facility from the chair afterwards, and am hoping to book some events there in the next while - such a beautiful place.
Le fuck. How'd I get so goddamn lucky? It's kind of sick. I guess all of those fuckin' horrific years filled with depression, drugs, anorexia, abusive men, unhappiness, cutting, bulimia and suicide attempts in my late teens were some kind of dues that I paid to be where I am now. Having been Down in the Pit for years, I truly decided to create a life that would make me happy. I have worked hard to be a happy person; therapy, journalling, counseling, yoga, exercise, working on my thoughts, reading books, quitting smoking, quitting drugs (over 10 years of sobriety now!), making new circles of friends, becoming stable, committing myself to a career, continuing to learn and grow and change and doing fearless self inventories every fuckin' day. No, not always easy, but SO MUCH BETTER than the misery that was my life 15 years ago... I'd say that I've been steadily moving towards happy for the past 10 years, and I LIKE IT.