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Old 05-25-2012, 04:39 PM
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MindfulAgony MindfulAgony is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 192

My advice is to not view the issues as one in the same. Your happiness is not the same as your libido is not the same as the health of your relationship is not the same as being poly. They are intertwined to be sure, but you'll need to find more space to deal with the causes of each. Some may have common cause, other's may be independent. Until you can sort through this swirl of emotions, don't make any rash decisions or judgments.

You may well be poly. On the other hand, you may not have been getting the kind of attention that you wanted/needed from your husband to feel sexy. I'd say slow down and don't rush to the conclusion that you must be poly because your libido is back. A cheating spouse could have the same response and it doesn't necessarily mean that they're poly.

Your husband will need some time. He'll have strong emotions. There's no way around that. You've just turned his life upside down. View his predicament with the compassion it deserves. Give him time. And give yourself time.

Don't forget to do the hard work of working through the roots of your depression and what's going on in your marriage. Be as sure as you can that poly is the right path before you force him to make the choice. It's entirely too easy to jump at the excitement and sexiness of poly, new relationship energy, and the whole flirtatious mess and forget to do the hard work that's required to rebuild a sustainable, healthy emotional, sexual and relational life.

In the end, you may determine and be convinced that you're polyamorous. And, your husband may never be able to get his head and heart around that notion. How you respond to that basic conflict of needs then becomes very important. Don't blame him because you've changed the rules and he can't figure out how to accommodate the change.
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“Instead of getting better and better at avoiding, learn to accept the present moment as if you had invited it. And work with it instead of against it. And making it your ally rather than your enemy.”
-Pema Chodron

Last edited by MindfulAgony; 05-25-2012 at 04:42 PM.
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