Well, it’s a year later, but I finally did it. It feels good. It feels terrible. At least it’s over.
How did it go? Well… it went about as well as I thought it would. Since I posted this, I had brushed it under the rug and tried to ignore it again. But it feels too wrong to be so dishonest, to yourself, and the one you love. I’ve been reading about it a lot again lately and I decided that I wanted to come out with it. At the very least, he was calm; there was no freaking out. We both cried a lot. He said some of the suspected things: I’m not good enough for you, this is outrageous, where do we go from here, how can I go on, this is not normal etc. I just kept telling him that I loved him and didn’t want to lose him – which is true – and I know he believes me. The conversation lasted about two hours and then he made some jokes (a good sign) we went to the store, had dinner together, and cuddled while I fell asleep.
I feel relieved to not be hiding that anymore, and a little anxious about how today will go. I am at work and he hasn’t woken up yet. He has really bad anxiety and I know he will spend the day going over it in his head and feeling awful. But the truth is, he did that anyway, so perhaps the fact that we are actually talking now and I was honest will give him some relief once the initial shock fades.
So, to those who are thinking about “coming out” to your S.O. it is possible, even for a coward (I hate hurting people, but am realizing it’s a part of life) like me. Be prepared for the worst, and hope for the best!