Had a really great talk with my best friend a couple of days ago, the one who I mentioned upthread. After our last big talk we got into a kind of email 'argument'.. I asked her not to make bad comments about Lou, because that wasn't helping me, and she was kind of offended about that, which I did not really understand, and then we sort of stopped communicating for a while.
But now she has explained her side to me a little better. She says that for her, it is a way of expressing her friendship and love for me to be worried and protective. Being protective to her means being negative about both Ren and Lou.. she says it's her way of showing me she's 'on my side'. Me asking her not to do this, to her felt like I was turning down her friendship.
While I don't really agree that it's the best way to show me she loves me, I did understand better where she was coming from, and her good intentions. We cried and hugged right there in the bar.. and after that had a long talk about what it is, exactly, that makes her so worried.
I think it comes down to basically this: she believes in The One. She has a lot of issues in her own marriage but she believes her husband is The One, and she believes that Ren and I are each others One, and that we are risking this by the things we are doing and the connections we are forming with other people. "It's really dangroues, what you're doing," is waht she keeps saying over and over.
Of course, I see so many things wrong with this reasoning, I don't know where to begin
I told her, if Ren is really my One, if we are meant to be together, then our other connections are not going to endanger that. But what's more important, I don't really believe in the One and actually never have.
I have had other discussions with friends about this recently, and what comes up again and again is that when you say you don't believe in the One, they think you mean you don't really love the one you're with. I find it almost impossible to explain the concept of being with someone I love truly and deeply, with whom I have shared 2 decades of love and hope to spend many more, with whom I share a home and a social life and a history, but that I still don't think he is my only pathway to romantic happiness. And by that I mean that if he left me I'd be incredibly hurt and sad but it would not be the end of my life or my happiness, and that it's also possible to love others besides him.
It's really the theme these days. Ren had a huge fight with one of his best friends about the whole situation. Some of our friends were at an event where Ren had brought Lou and I had brought C. Some friends were ok with it and even made an effort to meet L and C and talk to them, but this particular friend had so many issues with it. Ren came home really upset from his meeting. He says his friend always makes him feel like what we are doing is somehow a little sordid and sleezy, like we're only in it for the sex. And his friend also keeps saying: but the 2 of you belong together! which is the The One theory all over.
Ren and I talked about all of it a lot... we went away for a couple of days together which was great, lovely country side, great food, a lot of wine, great sex, and a lot of conversations. We are both sad that we can't talk to our friends the way we would like to. I think we should give a LOT more time.. after all, it's only been less than a year, and maybe we want too much too soon?