Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray
You're assuming that the spouse is going to react at all rationally to honesty. Case in point: a friend of mine's marriage was failing. Badly. She didn't love him anymore, wouldn't sleep with him, they had yelling/screaming matches in front the kids, he wanted them to try counseling, but she wasn't willing to do any work. AND, if he left, there wasn't enough money for two households so his kids would suffer even more, AND she was enough of a manipulative bitch to keep their kids from him until she was absolutely legally FORCED to let him see them. So he stayed and did what he could. He stayed in a broken, fucked-up situation so that the kids would have at least one dependable parent around. Was it GOOD for the kids? Hell no. But as far as he could see it was better than the other options available at the time. His cheating (because that's what some of you would call it) and lying to his wife-in-name-only could hardly be seen as a betrayal when she was already so far off the deep end. He was trying to keep a little bit of sanity to keep himself together while keeping the peace as best he could in the situation he found himself in. Did I feel at all guilty in aiding and abetting that? You bet your ass I did NOT. And a year or so later (long after I was out of the picture) was I happy to hear he had managed to get a divorce and was dating again? Absolutely.
So for those who, as children, had homes broken apparently due to cheating, I'm sorry for your pain, but it's likely there were other problems contributing. Cheating in my experience is the symptom, not the cause. I will say, though, that it's never a solution either. Long-term cheating is something I have no patience for. Especially if you get caught, but even if you don't, it should only ever be something short-term that drastically alters your perception of what's going on in your life and opens your eyes to what you need to do to change things.
This is an extremely common scenario...much more common than a Kennedy-esque womanizer who wants more feathers in his cap. I feel for people in these situations and if they have something to offer me and mine and I have something to offer them that helps make their life better, then so be it. I don't sit around worrying about how someone else is NOT doing their job. It's simply outsourcing after a million arguments to try to plead to get some of your needs met. I see it as nothing more than that.
Too many presumptions here about how the another person in that man/woman's life behaves already and will behave when faced with the truth. A man who is this honest to a crazy woman could well indeed lose half or more of everything he has. Not to mention the priceless ability to get to live with your children full time by choosing not to disrupt even more an already dysfunctional household.
Me: 32, bi, female, married 14 years to R.
R: 33, hetero male who is polyfriendly, NSA friendly under the right circumstances.
S: The child R and I have together.
Neither have found the partner(s) we would like to merge villages with. In the meantime we are exploring our collective sexuality to find a frequency that feels right.