Got the chance to Skype with Carob yesterday. Was really good to talk things out. It's only recently we've started using Skype and it's so much better than text chat. I definitely feel the distance less when I can see his face.
Taking a break was a dumb idea - not only is it fairly meaningless (neither of us could quite imagine what a break would entail, really), it's also far less preferable to dealing with things now. I guess I was feeling overwhelmed with the prospect of teasing out emotions long-distance. Things being so much better in person (did I mention how much I love cuddle chats?). But, really, Skype isn't so bad. Feeling much better having talked with him.
I've been quite sick since Sunday, feeling gross and drained, which isn't helping my mood.
I don't like feeling needy, and I reckon I'm gonna need a bit of patience and conversation to deal with rough patches of emotions. My instinct is to run and cocoon and deal with myself by myself rather than work things through together. I'm not suggesting this is a good idea, but it's what I feel drawn towards. I'm okay, by myself. I don't feel bad, I am self-sufficient.
Carob said "isn't being vulnerable the whole point of relationships" and yeah, exactly, he's right. I just wish you didn't have to be vulnerable the whole
time, ah, man, can't we take a break? It's been full-on... moving cities, coping with bouts of depression, and also a new relationship dynamic... but it's okay. It's good. We can do this.
I remember reading a warning somewhere about things not necessarily being simpler in a triangle rather than a V. I'm feeling that at the moment. When I was feeling really low the other day, I had a brief chat with C (but didn't really express myself well. More like flagged to talk about it later). That made him sad, and he ended up talking with Ella about it. She obviously became confused about how I was feeling, and I felt weird having this rough second-hand version of myself being conveyed to someone else and not knowing how to rewind it or explain it. It gets murky really quickly.
I sent her an e-mail and I think (surprise surprise) all will be much easier with communication. Thought the e-mail exchange was an interesting illustration though. Here are excerpts relating to the above.
It feels a bit like image management (?) but it's not really that. It's like... wanting to communicate well and truthfully and also keep a hold on yourself in a kinda gooey system that you can get lost in
Me to Ella:
Not sure what impression you got from Carob about how I was feeling yesterday. I was in a quite awful emotional space (not helped by still feeling sick) and I had a brief chat w/ C but we needed to talk more. We had a good chat today and feeling much better now
I didn't really express myself well to him yesterday, so I feel a bit weird about this poorly sketched out version of my mood kinda getting passed on to you second hand, I dunno. Like I'm being cast into a version of myself that's out of my reach. I guess keeping in touch with you and chatting when we both have the time would help me not feel self-conscious about things like this ...
Arriving and leaving always makes me a bit unbalanced, disoriented... bear with me.
Her reply confirmed my hunch that she was a bit confused by where things stood:
I guess you know how Carob is when he is sad - all heavy sighs and not too subtle. So he kind of has to talk about what's making him feel bad. I feel like things are okay when I see you or talk to you, but when C talks about you I am confused and worry I don't know how you really feel - for instance, you seemed chipper when we talked online on weds, but when you talked to C you were clearly not. I guess this is context and things, how much you can lean on the person you're talking to. But it feels like you might put on a brave face to spare my feelings, or that Carob loves to be pessimistic. I dunno. Bit of both? He was really down on Wednesday anyway. It's not easy eh. Talking's always good though.
I wrote back:
I don't put a brave face on for you, I guess I was worried you would feel that.
I just happened to have a really low point the other night and it was something I wanted to talk w/ Carob about. I don't mind unpacking things with you either, I'm not really into holding things back.
It's all good, eh. This is my real face.
Chat sometime when it suits both of us
Oh and yeah, it's pretty un-possible to stop moods from flowing through everyone's dominoes... I'd like to keep communication open enough between us that things are less likely to get lost in translation.
When I first started this blog I thought it would be cool to lure Carob and/or Sugar into blogging here too.
I've found it a really good space to vent and tap out thoughts. It may be strange for them to read what I've written so far, and also it may feel different if I know they are reading too. I'm impressed with how people here like Mya and rory use their shared blog. Will have a think about it.
On another note, I linked one of my friends to a blogpost here, and she replied asking whether I keep a blog here too
That made me really shy and I haven't written back to her yet! I guess I should. Heh. Here's to transparency. May it be kind to me like the most flattering nightgowns.