Originally Posted by CielDuMatin
The sheer quantity of people doing something has absolutely no correlation with the severity of the issue, or the damage that it does. Sorry to be harsh, but that statement is an utter cop-out.
You want numbers? There may well be some very specific cases where having someone as a sex-surrogate is necessary and helps. Many, many more are just people who would rather fuck someone else than deal with the responsibilities that they chose to take on, through thick or thin, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer.
You couldn't be more correct about how many more are just wanting people to fuck rather than to deal with the responsibilities they have. I try to avoid those people as those I get involved with typically start off with no sex at all and sometimes fizzle out before they had a chance to go there. So they were looking for some emotional support first and foremost and they were open to my poly situation and felt inspired by it.
Some people also have spoken about both married partners doing their own thing and I am the first person they are choosing to do that with because we have a kindred connection that gives them something to work from and grow from. They just haven't shared all the details with their partner not because they are dishonest but because they want to see how things might pan about between us before they "bring me home to meet the parents". I might be that trial and error for them just as much as they are for me.
Again, if those are the types of people who are good relationship material for you, then more power to you. For me, trust and commitment are what I give and expect from a partner, whether short-term or long-term. Someone who is cheating has demonstrated that when it comes to both, they fall very, very short.
It's not something I want. I am just a live and let live kind of person.
I said I have many reasons as to why I would feel an emotional connection with someone. I base who I am attracted to on many variables. Some are not as big of a deal as others, but other things that aren't a big deal to you might be a deal breaker for me.
I can appreciate your feelings on the issue. To me, someone who doesn't mesh well with me and my husbands quirks in life (as we are both Asperger's) are people who automatically get excluded (which is a majority of people anyway) let alone how many more that removes from the table when you are looking for another couple. So there are big fish to fry left and right when living this lifestyle. I am not looking to move every potential in. I am not necessarily looking for sex. If that other person is only looking for sexual fulfillment and not something much deeper, well they aren't my type anyway.
I know several people who are in situations where they might enjoy a multi-faceted connection with me and my husband as an adventure and experience in their lives at a point when they need it the most. It might motivate them in ways they weren't able to be before.
Ultimately and ideally, I would have full disclosure. And several people I had hoped to get to know better were uncomfortable with the idea that I was married at all, even with transparency between my husband and I. They didn't like knowing that he knew. Those people who can't be OK with me being married (whether they are married or not) are people who exclude themselves too.
Statistically, it feels like the chances of success in poly relationships is so minimal already that adding any other complexities to the equation (sans marriage issues) just makes it that much less likely to be able to connect with people who might only be a chapter or two in my life story.
I am relatively new to the poly thing and I learn something new everytime I read a response. All backgrounds help me be a better poly person. But I've never been a traditionalist. I was held back in detrimental ways due to people holding fast and true to traditional guidelines placed on them from religion. I believe rigidity in thinking can certainly have a purpose and a place. I just think there has been a lot of judgment and assumptions made on what others should be doing in their marriage.
There are exceptions to all stereotypes. Believe it or not, I happen to rub shoulders with those exceptions all the time. People find me easy to talk to and open up about things. I ask a lot of questions. A lot that tells me whether or not they are looking to get their rocks off only. Whether or not they have sought this sort of thing before. Why? What does their spouse know? I have them answer the same questions in different ways to see if they are just making things up as they go. I could still be getting lied to. But I'd like to think I am not haphazardly going out and about doing whatever without considering what type of people they are and what they might be ultimately trying to accomplish.