Originally Posted by Marcelo
Unless I missed it, Alexandra, you haven't said whether T's situation is symmetrical with your own. That is, is T married or involved with a full-time partner? If so, how is T handling the disclosure issue with his own partner?
On the other hand, if T is not as tightly attached to a partner as you are, then there's an asymmetry. When a relationship is pre-sexual, it sounds reasonable to tell a woman, 'I'm not greedy or needy about your time, energy or attentions.' But, if and when the situation changes to sexual intimacy, a man who doesn't have a partner of his own to spend time with, is likely to become highly focused on you, meaning, wanting more of your time for himself.
In my case, the new relationship energy from corresponding with a distant, married girlfriend since June has gotten channeled into being physically closer to my wife -- hugs every day, more frequent sex. But, if I didn't have a wife that I love to channel this new energy, I think I would now be overly obsessed with my girlfriend, to the point of wanting to take her away from her husband and have her with me all the time.
My point being, symmetry (both parties having an established partner to rely on) can be a stabilising factor; whereas asymmetry in terms of existing partners can lead to unbalanced needs between the two new lovers.
I hope you and T continue to enjoy the love you've found. It has certainly transformed my life to find another woman, outside my marriage, that I feel so emotionally connected with.
Thank you Marcelo, this is useful food for thought.
After the drubbing I received earlier, I am now chary of giving any more information.
However, I can say that it has helped to clarify some of my thinking and experience.
I will say this: T has not said
to me 'I'm not greedy or needy about your time, energy or attentions.' He has consistently demonstrated it by his behaviour.