Originally Posted by lovefromgirl
And in the event that "discreet" turns into "whoops, got discovered", what do you do? Because you've just helped screw up the primary relationship.
Their relationship was screwed before they considered any kind of relationship with someone else. I believe people are assuming the relationship was ok and one seeking emotional and sexual (both can be mutually exclusive) then and only then did the relationship go awry. Cheating isn't necessarily something done by a sex addicted person who sees his sexual prowess as a game and it using women to fullfill that.
So they go to counseling, have the poly talk, and deal from there. If not, they divorce.
Not all relationships are capable of going poly. Not all relationships feel like divorce is an option. If you want to avoid those people as potentials. There is nothing wrong with that.
No. No, there really isn't any integrity in doing that. Got a family? Be honest with them. Got kids? They can handle "Mommy and Daddy aren't in love anymore" better than "...and one of us has hurt the other in order to see if we could all still live under the same roof. Be grateful!"
Never going to accept "for the children/family" as an excuse, sorry. And I'm never going to forgive the kind of person who does this to a family, because of what it did to mine.
In a perfect world this is the case. With divorce being the reason behind so many children feeling broken, many more of them are in therapy to deal with how it affected their relationships later than those who are seeking therapy because a parent sought TLC from another person and stayed married to their other parent anyway. I truly think some viewpoints are pie-in-the-sky and would be the IDEAL. If you want to live your life according to the ideal setup and are willing to wait until the ideal opportunity comes along, that is most certainly ok.
I still see these ideal candidates who are entirely transparent STILL not work in the end for other reasons. So it is no guarantee that transparency is going to translate into a happy ending for any parties involved.
I try not to judge whatever is going on in a primary, as I don't live in their home to know both sides of the story. I also would hope others wouldn't be judgmental towards those who appreciate what connections they can get that meet the mutual needs of 2 or more that are in the equation. Life is short and I try to plug into resources that have the most potential based on many aspects.
(Now this is regarding a couple of other posts above as I messed up the multiquote option, so forgive me for lumping it in)
The things mentioned about STD risks are very real risks indeed. They are things that must be thought about. Although I presumed some people are using condoms. Some people have no reproductive organs (like myself) and with condom use will not be at the same risk for some of these STDs. It in NO way exempts me from having that possibility for some things to be carried. But I believe I am in a slightly different risk category because I had a total hysterectomy (cervix and all).
And who knows, I might be exactly in majority viewpoint here before too long. The relationships I have taken on continuously morph my opinion about what I want to do and what makes my primary most content. With more experience and study under my belt I will likely change some of these views to benefit everyone in an optimum way.
My way of thinking about this is not traditional according to those who operate under the same label. To some, this means I am not poly at all. There are traditional opinions on many things and some will fall out of favor with those who follow that motto because they don't follow it also.
I just try to give another perspective as I always think there are more complexities to even the most simple of scenarios. It is just the way I think in general. The way my brain works. I am always open to hearing the other side. It helps me reevaluate my decisions. So whether or not I am in the majority here on this issue, I really appreciate reading the opinions of others about it. Gives me so much to think about!