Itís kind of ironic that I stumbled across this thread today. I donít usually post but keep up by lurking a lot, but I havenít even lurked for a couple of weeks. Iím having a really hard time right now because this exact topic destroyed my quad 13 days ago. We had been together for the past year and a half and were friends for about a year prior to that.
Like everyone else we had our ups and downs. My husband (M) and his girlfriend (N) really had it out at the beginning of the month because he confronted her on some things that werenít adding up and he was concerned that she may be fooling around on the side. N has a long history of infidelity so M was always a little cautious with her. She swore up and down that she was a changed woman and asked him to give her the benefit of the doubt instead of falsely accusing her just because of her past. After their argument the status of their relationship was left unresolved because he needed to think about what he really wanted. In the mean time, N told her husband/my ex-boyfriend (H) what they had argued about and he got really upset wanting to know why my M was so worried about if she was being truthful or not and took Mís skepticism as jealously and it didnít settle well.
After their argument we all had conversations that we needed to find the time for the four of us to sit down and hash things out and make clearer expectations for everyone and all the configurations. After that we would all make the decision if the quad would be able to continue and if not we would walk away from the sexual aspect of the relationship but would strive to remain close friends. Well because of work schedules and people being out of town we didnít get a chance to all sit down and talk.
Thirteen days ago M and I at the last minute decided to attend a get together at H and Nís home in an effort to show them we were willing to work on things. Even though everyone felt uncomfortable at first we all settled in and M, H and N ended up talking about how everyone really wanted to work things out and they were all on board. Well the tables were turned abruptly when H accidentally saw a message pop up on Nís phone. Then a ďfriendĒ of theirs told him of some conversations she had been having with another man. Well throughout the course of the night, H along with M and I found out that she had been talking to several men, was being very suggestive and explicit in her texts and even had a picture of their ďfriendísĒ penis on her phone. Now, she and the ďfriendĒ have cheated together on H in the past and her actions with him was M had been questioning all along.
I confronted her, even though she was not sober, and letís just say it didnít go over very well. I was furious because she betrayed the two men that I love and now my mind was racing on what she has possibly exposed the rest of us to. We all ended up confronting her at the same time and it became heated. M and I got H out of the house then we left as well but not before M told N what he thought of her actions and told her ďgoodbyeĒ. We found H at our house when we got home. He obviously was upset and continued to find more things that she had done and ended up in a yelling match with N on the phone while he was there. You could imagine all the things he said about her and what he planned on doing in the morning.
Well H went home that night and the next morning M and I asked him to please not just sweep this under the rug this time, especially since she has cheated on him multiple times in the past. H told me that he didnít really think anything physical happened (which is what he wants to believe) and that it wasnít right what she was doing but asked me if it was worth losing everything over. I asked him to talk to me in person later that day.
I went over that morning and talked to N. I asked her why she would have to be messing around with other men when she has two wonderful men in her life that love her to death. She made tons of excuses and denied anything physical happening. She eventually told me that she just didnít know why she does what she does. I explained to her that sometimes I have felt that my personal integrity has been jeopardized by being a friend to her because of her past and the fact that I have always had my suspicions that she had remained unfaithful. I apologized to her for acting irrationally the night. I then kissed her on the forehead, told her that I loved her and her family but I couldnít be a part of her life because of what she does to people.
H has yet to talk to me. I know that is a specific directive from N. He has talked to M a couple of times and has told him that he agrees with N that I went about things wrongly when I confronted her that night. M had to remind H that I was hurt and was hurting because she had betrayed the two men that I loved and that Nís actions were what initiated everything. Through M and Hís conversations I have learned that they invited my kids to one of their kidsí birthday party but we, specifically me, are not welcome in their home or to be around their family. H says it is all Nís doing and he canít control how she feels about me right now. They do not know if they can continue to be friends with us and we are starting to wonder the same thing.
So now I find that I am an absolute wreck. I tear up at the drop of a hat. Everything around me is reminding me of H and I hate it. I just want to scream. I am so mad that Nís lack of respect for the rest of us, especially for her husband, has caused all of us to fall apart. I feel robbed because everything with H, including having him as my friend, has been yanked from me and there is nothing I can do about it. I miss their kids. I hate that I canít be there for the upcoming birthday knowing that they will ask about us. I hurt for my kids because they have lost their other ďfamilyĒ and I donít know how to break it to them. And it makes me even madder when I know that N is blaming all of this on me and is not taking any responsibility for her own actions.
On the flip side M is struggling a little with how hard I am taking things but all and all is being very supportive and he is trying to be as understanding as he can. He is actually relieved that things are over. I have tried to explain to him that he has his anger from her betraying him to fall back on and sort of make him feel better about the decision he made to walk away from her. I didnít get a chance to make a decision. It was made for me and I didnít want it to be over even though we all agreed that if one person was done everyone would be done. It has also made M a little insecure and he thinks that I feel that he alone is not enough for me, which is not the case at all.
So back to the original post, is it a deal breaker? Absolutely. But as poly relationships are designed, the more people that are involved the more it just sucks.
Any advice on how to deal with the grief that I am going through would be greatly appreciated as well. Thanks to all that have actually read through all of that.