Will I ever be happy again?
I am a 39 year old wife and mother of 2 young children (4 & 6). I have been with my husband for almost 17 years. In the early years of our relationship, our sex life was great, but starting about 10 years ago, it began to wither, eventually to the point where we only had sex once every other month. As this was gradually happening, I could not find the cause for my complete lack of libido. I never thought about sex, didn't want it and didn't know why. The lack of sex was a huge problem for my husband, but he eventually came to accept that I'd never have a desire for sex again, and filled in the gaps with porn. I started taking anti-depressants, which numbed my unhappiness, and I thought I was fine until.....
About 3 months ago, I was out with a friend when a few guys flirted with me - hit on me - made it clear that they'd be happy to take me home with them (not all together, just a 1 on 1 situation). All I can say is that this "flipped a switch" in me - I felt like I got hit by a lightening bolt. The feeling was overwhelming. I didn't act on the offers from these men, but I wanted to. That night, I came home and actually WANTED to have sex with my husband - for the first time in 10 years. This lead to a discussion about what had changed in me - what caused this sudden spark in libido? I really couldn't answer that question. Was it the attention? The idea of sex with a stranger? From these discussions, we agreed to start swinging as a couple.
Our first encounter was a few months ago. My experience with the man was mind-blowing. My husband and the woman were not so successful, and their sexual chemistry didn't seem to mesh. Despite the difficulties, my husband agreed to continue to see this couple. Several more evenings together, amazing sex for me - not so much for my husband. Feelings of joy carried over into me and my husband's sex life and we were like teenagers again. I have never felt so in love with him - so attracted to him - so completely happy. The sexual energy that came from my experiences with the other man just carried over to my relationship with my husband. It was like starting over.
This man made me feel things that I have not experienced before. I felt sexy, desirable, interesting. We connected on an emotional level - not love, but definately something more than fuck-buddies. He started texting me - flirting -I loved it! The happiest I have been in more than 10 years. The texts were pretty pretty harmless, but my husband had a huge issue with this. He became extremely jealous and eneded up demanding that we stop seeing this couple. I felt my heart break.
Through this, I finally came to realize what was missing all of these last 10 years - I was miserable in a monogomous relationship. I love my husband dearly, and he makes it clear that he loves me - adores me, in fact. He is a fantastic huband and father - couldn't ask for better. Our family life is about as good as you can get - I have no reason to be unhappy......I should be happy.....
After reading through this forum, I finally recognize that I have always been poly - or at least have always wanted to be. Everything I have read here makes total sense to me - you CAN love more than one person at a time - opening your relationship will most likely bring you closer together. These revelations made me so happy!!!! Happier than I have been - ever. I had a long talk with husband - and finally came clean about my feelings. At first, he said he would try to understand this - try to work with me on this. But as the days have worn on, things are getting worse and worse. It finally exploded today in an email from my husband who told me that I am selfish, and a horrible mother and wife if I am putting MY needs before those of my husband and children. How could I do this to him? To my family? How could I destroy their lives and be ok with that? The idea of divorce was thrown around.
So I finally gave up. I am tired of fighting. I don't want to lose my family. I am tired of hurting him. So, tonight, I told him I'd give this up - put it away - no more swinging, no more talks about other relationships - no more. I told him I would go back to the way it was, go on antidepressants again and go to counseling to work on my issues and learn how to stop feeling this way.
I can't stop crying. I feel like my soul has died. I feel like I had a chance at true happiness and now it's gone. I am in total despair.
If you are "poly" in your heart, can you ever be happy if you don't act on it?