I've been looking forward to this weekend for a while now. I'm headed to a 4 day event where C and I first started falling for each other last year. I talked to my husband about it several weeks ago and asked how much, if any, of the time he wanted to be there, and what to do with the kids, etc. He said he would just come for the last night, and keep our youngest home with him, and I should go with our oldest, who can spend time and overnights with a favorite friend in that city. I asked about sharing a hotel room with C, and he hesitated, so I said it wasn't necessary and I booked separate rooms. C is driving me there with my oldest.
I just talked to my mother, who expressed concern that my husband wasn't going to be with me all weekend. (Even though her last marriage ended miserably, she still seems to think I'd be better off doing what she did which is to forgo all social and recreational activities that don't include my husband.) I told her my husband wanted to hang out at home most of the weekend, and was only interested in coming for a short time. Later I repeated the conversation to him, and he got all upset. He said I should be showing more gratitude for his willingness to stay home and take care of the house and pets while I am off having fun.
I really resent it when we have these conversations about what I want and what he wants, and I think we are coming to agreeable decisions, only later to be told that he is always giving up what he wants so I can have what I want.
Now I'm scrambling to arrange pet care so he can come for more of the weekend, after spending all this time envisioning some quality time with C. He'll have to back right out of the picture now, because my husband isn't willing to socialize with him, so it's not just that we won't get time alone, but we won't get time together at all once my husband shows up. It's going to be very hard creating a mindset where I am actually glad my husband is with me. This change of plans is only stemming from me not wanting to feel guilty for "making" him stay home and walk the dog.
Springing poly on my husband a decade into our marriage was tough. I am trying to make it as easy as possible. I don't feel like I have the "right" to ask for a certain amount of time with C, and I've tried to make sure my times with him don't take away from the family. I mostly see him when he passes through town while the kids are at school, or at dance events where I would have gone anyway. I try to always put my husband first, when it comes to who I am spending my time with. But in this case, I feel like I am getting short changed with this late change in plans. I was really looking forward to this time with C. I thought I had arranged it all to everyone's satisfaction, and now it is getting taken away.
How can I keep from resenting my husband over this?
Married to a monogamous man 15 yrs, mother of 2, dating C 3 yrs, and in a romantic friendship with L more than 20 yrs