Originally Posted by opalescent
You mention that A is a teacher at the community college you attend? I realize that you seem to know him and E outside of the college as well - the club you mentioned. I hate to be the cold water thrower but colleges often have fairly strict policies about teachers dating students. Yes, you are all adults but the presumption is that an potential power imbalance exists. And it may not matter if you never take a class with him at least in how the policy is concerned. An 'affair' with a student could really hurt him professionally and it is risky for you and E socially and professionally as well.
I was definitely hoping someone would address this. Oh and those clubs... are school clubs. Yeah....
I know, and I was very quietly falling for them while I sat in my corner, but I'm pretty sure that now *they* are hitting on *me*. And I don't care about my getting any sort of reputation- I think there's nothing wrong with it, and would be 100% willing to stand behind my choices (socially, professionally, whatever) if it came to it. Yes, I know it could be a HUGE deal for me, but I am poly, and I don't want to hide it. I'm a leader, I'm surrounded by accepting friends and family, and I tend to go head-on against policies and expectations that don't work for me.
And I think it's up to them to figure out what they think about their own social reputations, and if indeed they *are* hitting on me, then they're okay with it (okay, well, that's assuming that the older, more experienced people with more at stake have thought it through. I'll make sure to talk to them about it in case they haven't though...) I've also decided that I'm willing to date them in "secret" (as long as they both know it all, and I can still confide in family/trusted friends) if that was best, but things don't seem headed that way.
As far as his actual job, or his professional reputation... I would be prone to not risk that. But... I don't know, it's like something just doesn't add up. Now, I get that feeling every time someone actually seems to like me back (can you say *insecurity*) but... I'm just not sure what to say on this one. I'm falling for two people, and I get the impression they're falling for me, and when that happens, everything
else seems to be so much less important than just being with those people.
I'd like to think through the consequences, but I'm so consumed by the idea that they actually like me that I don't know what to do. I mean... what, turn them down just because it's impractical? I don't want to!! I don't know what to do, other than -take is slow, -think about it A LOT, and -talk to them about it A LOT. Oh, and this whole thing is part of why I'm hesitant to make the first big move- if A makes the first move, I can assume he's thought through this. If E makes the first move, I can assume they've talked through it. If I make the first move... even if we all do like each other, I'm afraid I would be setting us up for deeper trouble than I really know how to deal with.
I really, really
want this to happen... but I'm afraid to be responsible for starting it. I will own up to this and I don't care what ANYONE says about my being in a socially unacceptable, if loving, relationship- but I can't make that decision for A and E, and it seems like they've got the bigger decision to make.
I'm definitely not trying to brush off your points, I'm just trying to explain what I'm thinking. Please, do keep pushing at me, I need to figure this out...
And I am curious if you have dated people not in a couple? I wonder if you have dating experience outside of being interested in a couple. Dating a 'singleton' is very helpful experience in dating, period. Dating is hard in general, relationships are hard in general) but you are leaping ahead orders of magnitude in difficulty. If you haven't dated someone before, been in a couple yourself, well, I'm going to be the old fart and suggest, maybe, you want to walk before you run.
-a guy in 5th grade (I liked him! For 3 years! And then he asked me out!... dated for most of the spring, we stopped being together cause his family kinda jumped up and moved across the country...)
-a guy in 6th? grade (I missed ^that guy, bought valentine chocolates for him without thinking about how I hadn't seen him in most of a year. Developed an oh-so-convenient spontaneous crush on my friend's on-again off-again boyfriend of 3ish years (off-again at the time) and asked him out, he accepted... dated for maybe a month or so, he broke up with me when I was at a dentist's appointment (I found out second-hand when I got back to school) and I realized when it didn't bother me that I really didn't like him. At all.)
-a guy in 9th grade (I thought he was cute, he really liked me & asked me out, I accepted... dated for two or three months, we finally went on *a date* and I realized there was no deep chemistry, I broke it off)
-had a "mondo crush" on a guy in 6th-7th-8th grade, talked to him in 9th grade after I moved, he started going out with a girl before I made a move (and still is with her, I think...)
-fell head over heels for a middle school teacher & her husband, who had become family friends, and eventually my godparents
-started to fall for a girl I met online about a year ago... this is actually still sorta ebb-and-flow because we both liked each other, but she was with her "soul mate" and is just recently single. But, like, she's actually DID (16 "headmates", parts of her that identify as separate people) so, this isn't really dating-level-1 either...
I haven't dated anyone in 4 years... I haven't dated anyone seriously... the last people I was actually serious with was the non-relationship with a couple, the last worthwhile person I dated was when I was 10...
What you're saying totally makes sense, but I seem to fall for couples. I think it's that I see them being in love with one another, and it's just so... adorable... and then I see them letting me into their little circle (as friends or whatever) and I just... fall. It doesn't make any sense to date someone I don't like, and right now the people I like are not the most convenient.
But, again, with the if-they-actually-like-me, I-don't-give-a-hoot...
(And again, I'm not brushing off your points, just trying to explain what I'm thinking...)