Originally Posted by Arrowbound
And can I just say, from an outside perspective without all the details, your husband's deep involvement in C's situation is...strange. Almost a week visiting them? I dunno. Strikes me as odd.
This is where my partial summarization of the situation has made things messy.
My husband, C and her boyfriend have been friends for about a year. He's known the boyfriend for a many years. The week with them was a planned vacation. It just happened that their relationship started to crack before he got there. He had a sit down with the boyfriend and one with C. Their current situation is almsot identical to one we went through about 5yrs ago. He was trying to save them some of our heartache and give them the tools that helped us get through.
Big one? Communicate! Talk
to one another. Quit going to friends and griping and talk to your S/O.
Another one? Don't assume that just because you don't agree the other person is automatically wrong. Their feelings are just as valid as yours, even though you may think they're way off base. Again, talk
And so on....
Once he'd seen firsthand how things were going, and how unwilling his friend was to working with C, G's protective nature kicked in. And with spending that week with her, I think thats where love started to grow from friendship to more. He kept it to himself until a week after he got home. Then we talked aobut it. Another week later, he told C.
And yes, G feels, especially after talking to his friend (and getting nowhere) and C talking to him (and getting nowhere), that it'd be worth losing the friend to be in love with C. It doesn't make him happy. In fact, he's pretty pissed about it. Because, even though, it would cost us the chance to be with her, if C's boyfriend would get his shit together and treat C as someone to be loved and respected, that would make her incredibly happy. And that
is the ultimate goal. G would like his friend to be a man, a grownup. If he's not willing to do that, and throws away his life with C, then G wants the opportunity and is willing to sacrifice his original friendship to do so.
No, we're not all knowing when it comes to relationships. We've just been through a helluva lot in our 12yrs together. Its been a struggle from the get go, mostly through outside interference, though we certainly had our own issues to bring to the table.
Sex with C is not the first thing on my husband's mind. It was brought up to let me know the level of relationship he'd like from her one day. Again, it would not be a "Welcome to our home, the bedroom is over here." type situation.
Thank you, to those who've commented on my concerns. C getting pregnant is getting ahead of the game. Way ahead.
But I don't think its fair to have her come to us and then years later, when she decides she wants kids, to be like..."Sorry, thats a no-go". Also, it's not fair to tell her that she can't have kids at all. My brain can go there. My heart is not so sharing. G's children are mine. At this moment (and pregnancy hormones could very well play a large part in this), I am jealously guarding that.
On the note of her fidelity to us. Our proposition is that it be the three of us. I don't like the idea of her dating outside of that. If thats something she wants to do, then I guess we'd stay in the dating phase until she made her choice. Be with us, or be with someone else. Just as she would if she were dating with the end goal of a monogomous relationship. I don't think that's entirely unfair, its just part of the bargain. If thats not acceptable to her, then this entire subject is done and we go back to life as it has been thus far.
Again, she does not have to do this. If she would like to come live with us and then go out on her own, with no relationship with us beyond friendship (and no sex), that is entirely up to her and we're perfectly fine with that. (Okay, lets be honest, G would certainly be disappointed, but he'd hardly take that out on her. Likely, I'd hear about it as he came to me for consolation. Which is fine.)
I'm really baffled by the creepy vibe. Is it our age? I'm only 33, for cryin out loud. Let a girl keep some
of the illusion 30 isn't old.
Is it because we're married? How did we become Creepy Old Guy?
Also, I've got to say, I'm really resenting the tags that have been placed on this thread. Manipulation? Predator? Sex toy?
C is not, nor was she ever cosidered a sex toy. That is incredibly insulting.
G is not a predator. He was not scoping out the situation in hopes of dragging home a young girl to screw. We care about her, he loves her, I hope that I will get to know her enough to share that with him.
Manipulation. How are we manipulating anything? As far as C knows, this is just an option on the table. The conversations she's had with G still mostly concern trying to save her current relationship since that is what she wants. G simply wanted to let her know that, should it not work out, there are others who care for her and would be open to more. The goal at the moment is to get C's boyfriend to wake the hell up. No one is manipulating anyone. Cards are on the table. Possible down the road scenarios are something only G and I have discussed. If C decides to give this a try, we'd discuss them with her as well.
Dependancy, I won't get too worked up about this one. Yes, there will be some level of dependancy. It happens when you move to a new state with no one you know aside from the people you live with. Again, that is only a possibility. There is also the possibility that we'd move to C's state. Though that is at least a year out as well, since I'm not moving across state lines very pregnant or with a newborn.
Father figure. I guess. He's older, he's dispensing advice, he's protective. I suppose. Whatever.
Rescue fantasy. You've got us there. Yep. Its nice to be the white knight. We're very well aware that it may not turn out to be Happily Ever After. Hell, to her we might look more like a tin knight on a rented nag. Who knows. We would like to help, we have the capacity, we would like her to be part of our family. IF she wants it, we want to give it a try. If it doesn't work out.....it doesn't work out. We're all grownups here and we can handle it accordingly. None of us are the type to spend weeks sobbing in the corner because something we really hoped for or worked on didn't go our way.
*sigh* Maybe this was a mistake. I know better than to air laundry on the internet. Someone always misinterprets a torn sleeve.