Wow this sounds really hard, sorry you had to go through this experience.
Re: having to 'earn' privileges like spending time, I don't think this is how it was for you but I've felt something similar being in a pivot position in other relationships. I wouldn't have put it that way ("earning" or "privileges") but I think it's a real difficulty with balancing newer relationships with older relationships.
We didn't like the idea of primary/secondary either and I didn't want to favour one person or the other, but the reality was it would take time before I could feel the same way about committing to spending time with a new person. I had to get to know them better.
Like if I was single and just met somebody, I couldn't be instantly as comfortable with prioritising time with them (over other things) as I would be once I had known them for a couple of years, say.
It didn't help to think in terms of spending equal time with each partner because I was simply at different levels with each of them. Not being of primary/secondary per se but just our actual levels of closeness in the relationship.
This doesn't sound like what was going on for you, really, but your comment made me think of how hard it can be to navigate a new relationship (even doing your best) when you don't want there to be a primary/secondary hierarchy.
Hope you don't mind me digressing.
Wish that you have more positive experiences in the future. Ah, I can imagine how that would have hurt for you x