I've been getting waves of nausea re: dynamics between Carob, Ella and myself... This has happened a few times before now and it's happening again. I thought it would have abated since we spent time the three of us, but it's back and it's the same feeling.
Have tried to write it out but it comes out really strange. The only thought that makes me feel better (when I feel like this) is breaking up with C. Letting him go his own way.
He doesn't want that, he wants to stay together. We've got a good thing going on.
I don't know where this feeling is coming from. My best guess is it's related to my fear of being inadequate when compared with Ella. Him wanting her more, him wanting me less... Some kind of shifting power (?) balance. I don't talk on these terms, but maybe I feel on these terms.
Is it the case that I can't handle my loss of influence over Carob and I'm packing a sad? Like, I'd rather quit than have to compromise? That's pretty awful if so. I would like not to be that person.
But in a sense, I think I am. I feel more comfortable not playing the game at all, and keeping myself whole, rather than taking a risk of being vulnerable.
Resigning early just in case I lose.
Thing is, I don't really think Carob will drop me. So what gives?
It's gross and long-distance and messy and I can't handle it. Maybe that's all it is. I just don't have the stomach for dealing with the crazy waves of emotions this churns up, right now. I need a break. I want a break. And I'm not sure how to get it.
This is how I feel, when I'm in this state of nausea. Then it passes, sometimes because Carob and I get to chat and I feel close, and safe, but... I dunno. I don't know if either of us have the energy to give our relationship what I need from it right now. I wish this wasn't the case, but I fear it is.
(Just chatted with Carob on Skype. Shared some of these thoughts with him. Was good to get it out. Gonna talk more over the weekend)