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Old 05-23-2012, 04:53 AM
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Phy Phy is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Germany
Posts: 651

Originally Posted by rory View Post
I hate it particularly when somebody wants to closet me for their comfort. There are environments where I wont be out if I feel like it, but I will not give the choice to somebody who is ashamed of me.
That's exactly the point that's getting to me. I won't excuse the way or what I am just because it is inconvenient for her.

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
When I first told my parents about Gia, my mom was so unhappy. She just couldn't understand it and certainly didn't approve. A year later she could talk about it neutrally and ask questions. Now, a year after that, she asks how Gia and Bee are doing and seems genuinely happy to hear about it. I hope very much that your mother will also come around. I can definitely see why you'd be hurt. :/
I hope that she will reach this point. Partially because I don't want her fretting over this while being in therapy. This can only be counter productive. I am able to give her as much time as she needs, but not in this way.

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
That said, congratulations on telling your family and on the good reaction from most of them! It's a scary thing, and people can be so judgmental, but overall it sounds like they dealt with it impressively well.

Also, I loved the post about the brothel! Their eagerness to hear your story is so oddly refreshing.
Yeah, my brother, sister and brother-in-law took it great. No problems visible the second day as well. Concerning the brothel, I thought exactly the same when I watched them while I spoke about everything.


Things are getting ugly more and more right now. The part rubbing me the wrong way is that she started to vent behind our backs right after our talk and got real personal while at it. If there is a problem, tell the person involved straight to the face. All of this is a huge revelation of how different I am from my family. Sister and BiL are at a loss as to how to react to this. Their way is not getting involved and not taking sides. Valid choice, I didn't want them to be on anyone's 'side' in the first place, I can handle my problems alone and won't rely on any third party to do so in my shoes.

What I can't tolerate is the way my mother is portrait as the poor ill person, not knowing what she says right now. I know that there is a lot of stress, especially in this situation and that it is adding up for her because she seems to have general problems with what I have told her but sorry, I won't excuse the way she handled things because of it. I know well how shocking this can be, how long one can take to wrap the mind around the whole concept; I took years, I won't deny her the same right to do so. All fine, not the best and wished outcome, but fine. But the way she is getting personal here, is unacceptable for me.

I understand her desire to make all of this unknown to her. To pretend that nothing happened, that her family is still perfect. I don't understand telling me to get lost and move away from here. I understand that she values the concept of monogamous marriages. I don't understand her telling me that being lesbian and with one female partner is way more acceptable than being poly and with two of whatever gender. I understand (partially) that she is furious about us not telling her right from the beginning and her feeling cheated into building the room for Lin and getting it done as soon as possible. I don't understand how just being in a relationship with me makes all the reasons why we wanted to move him, which she supported as well, invalid all of the sudden.

I understand that she has a certain blueprint about how men and women should be and behave. But venting and complaining to my sister and her husband that Sward, who was always there for her, did things for her around the house and in the garden or at any given occasion, becomes a pussy without some will of his own who was manipulated, dictated along with the little boy Lin into this kind of relationship from the great, evil me who always lived by her own standards and gave a shit about the feelings of others.

The point which Sward is most outraged about is the one she made about me collecting men who aren't able to support a family financially (this was during the time when things looked still good and she was jokingly mentioning it). He does everything he can to make the utmost of his given abilities; Lin said to him ( I love how they support each other right now, times of crisis show how the underlying dynamics work) that he never met a guy who was so selfless to always care for the wishes and needs of others (hers as well) and that my mother always complimented this and always thought highly of him. He is everybody's darling, the perfect son-in-law, every mother-in law's delight ... and now, all of a sudden he hasn't got the balls to speak up for himself and is the worst kind of man you may find out there. And all because of me, who is controlling everything and everyone to my liking.

This is getting way out of control in the personal department. I have no idea what kind of frustrated and maybe helpless feelings she has built-up over the years in regard to me, there seem to be plenty. And this is so shocking, because I never knew or realized that there was something like that. I will give her some days to come around and apologize for the way she went on about it. I don't expect her to be OK with everything, but if she wants us to keep up contact and communication, she will have to realize that this isn't the way to achieve it. I won't add any more fuel to the fire and listen to this kind of shit she is spreading right now.

Lastly, on a shorter note, negative developments were piling up yesterday on Sward's end. At work a 14 year old student apprentice was under his care for two weeks and obviously something happened during a break when he went to get some ice cream for her, another fellow worker and himself. It's still unclear what exactly happened, but she was greatly disturbed when he came back, had already called her mother and the police and accused the other man of having hugged and groped her. She is an exceptional shy girl and was all in tears.

Sward talked to the colleague and the mother later the evening and things are at a bad fit right now. No one knows if something happened to her before and she mixed the situations up because the co-worker hugged her or if he really did what she said he should have done. Whatever it is, both have poor social skills. She didn't liked to be too close to anyone right from the start and he, as a grown man, should know that you mustn't initiate physical contact out of the blue with a stranger (especially with a young girl). Sward isn't coping well with all of this, it's getting at him.
Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.

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Last edited by Phy; 05-23-2012 at 04:58 AM.
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