Thread: Dating advice?
View Single Post
  #15  
Old 05-23-2012, 03:06 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,689
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nllswing View Post
I don't know what to do. I am in love, she is gorgeous, and it hurts me to come home after our meeting be start thinking about why aren't we lovers. Things have been going fine, except that we may be stuck at the "activity friends" area, and this is not acceptable for me. First, it hurts me because I really want us to be more and second, spending two evenings a week to be a "friend" is too much time for me.

I often imagine telling her "listen, it has all been fine but I can't keep going like this" but on the other hand, I don't want to break things up just yet.
Oh dear. Nllswing, I urge you not to let your attraction and desire for her cloud your judgment! Who among us can ever not benefit from a friendship?

She has given you a lot already, hasn't she? You enjoy her company, you are getting close - don't discount her place in your life just because she doesn't want to be involved with you in that way at this point in time. You don't want to blow it all and hurt her by taking yourself out of her life just because you wish it was a romance instead of a friendship. I say, invest in the friendship and let it deepen. Embrace all the feelings you have about her, and just let yourself feel them. I have always believed that we can benefit and learn a great deal from not taking action when we most want to. There is something to be said for allowing oneself to experience the love/lust/desire, etc., without giving in to the urge to do something about it. For now, let yourself get all hot over her and then, when you get home, direct that passionate energy to your wife.

I think that you would be cutting your nose off to spite your face, if you push it to be something more. It really hasn't been that long, try not to get so impatient. The desire and lust you feel for her will either eventually burn itself out, or she may come around and consider something more - but what if it takes a year or two for that to happen? Would you toss away a good friendship because you can't have your way now? Or you can simply enjoy having such a wonderfully delicious crush in your life. My goodness, not every temptation or fantasy needs to or should be be acted upon! I don't see why you cannot pursue a romance with someone else and still have your friendship and hobby once or twice a week with her. Count your blessings. It sounds too good to let go of, just the way it is right now!
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 05-23-2012 at 10:39 AM.
Reply With Quote