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Old 11-29-2009, 05:25 PM
Marcelo Marcelo is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 2

Originally Posted by Alexandra View Post
As Freud taught, there is no such thing as a joke... I chided him [T] for it and he excused himself saying "Sorry, that was a Bloke thing" or something similar. Actually, he is very respectful and generous about L. He has never pressured me or made me feel in any way as if L is a difficulty for him. When I ask him about this ability, he says "He's your rock, your root, you love him, you're with him. Loving you is about wanting you to have what you want, what makes you happy, and L makes you happy". He is not greedy or needy about my time, energy or attentions.
Unless I missed it, Alexandra, you haven't said whether T's situation is symmetrical with your own. That is, is T married or involved with a full-time partner? If so, how is T handling the disclosure issue with his own partner?

On the other hand, if T is not as tightly attached to a partner as you are, then there's an asymmetry. When a relationship is pre-sexual, it sounds reasonable to tell a woman, 'I'm not greedy or needy about your time, energy or attentions.' But, if and when the situation changes to sexual intimacy, a man who doesn't have a partner of his own to spend time with, is likely to become highly focused on you, meaning, wanting more of your time for himself.

In my case, the new relationship energy from corresponding with a distant, married girlfriend since June has gotten channeled into being physically closer to my wife -- hugs every day, more frequent sex. But, if I didn't have a wife that I love to channel this new energy, I think I would now be overly obsessed with my girlfriend, to the point of wanting to take her away from her husband and have her with me all the time.

My point being, symmetry (both parties having an established partner to rely on) can be a stabilising factor; whereas asymmetry in terms of existing partners can lead to unbalanced needs between the two new lovers.

I hope you and T continue to enjoy the love you've found. It has certainly transformed my life to find another woman, outside my marriage, that I feel so emotionally connected with.
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