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Old 05-22-2012, 11:34 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
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Re (from Post #6):
"Is there a point at which you know you are (or are not) cut out for it?"
Probably not ... It's just a judgment call you have to make based on the circumstances. I think most people are able to "do poly," but it might be harder for some than for others.

Re (from Post #6):
"I can deal with a kiss on the sly, something subtle like that, but the idea of them being affectionate in front of me is honestly hard to digest (in fact it is nauseating). Is it because I am new to this? Is it jealousy? Will it go away/be managed with time? Ultimately, when will I know?"
Not easily answered questions ... You'll have to make the call on if you can give it more time (or on when you've had enough). If it's any comfort, there's others who've been in a similar situation as yours, and found that it did get easier over time. If it does get easier, it's a slow process. I suppose jealousy's as good a word for it as any. Part of managing it is figuring out what's at the root of those emotions. Another part is figuring out where your boundaries are. Perhaps "seeing the occasional kiss" is going to continue to be a hard limit for you. It's okay to ask your partner for that, even though he could turn out to have some conflicting boundary. You have to communicate about these things.

Re (from Post #6):
"I am the 'primary' partner, but she doesn't like the term. Should we erase such distinctions at all?"
There's lots of disagreements about whether "primary/secondary" terminology should be used. Some people say yes, others say no. You shouldn't feel "pushed into" going either way, as your relationships are as unique as you are. How do *you* feel about it? Is being a primary partner important for you? or would you rather all the partnerships be equal? Keep in mind, if you've been around for awhile and this other person's brand-new, that's one argument for why you might be considered a primary.

You also have to make your own decisions as to what "primary" means to you; people have all kinds of ways they define it. I'd say the key thing here is to make sure you and your ("primary") partner are on the same page about what the word means/will mean to you as a dyad/couple.

Re (from Post #6):
"When will I know that it is no longer us dealing with the natural jealousy triggers, and just me that isn't cut out for it?"
There, too, is a question with no easy answer. It might take you a year (or more) to come to that conclusion, or it might come to you in a week (or less). Just make sure you give it what *you* feel is a fair shake.

Sorry, I know I'm probably not giving you the concrete picture you were hoping for. So many of these things are dependent on the unique individuals involved, there's not always one way it's "supposed to go."

It's probably safe to advise you to give things some time; don't let the "panic button" get to you. If you reach a point where you really need to call it quits, you'll probably be 100% sure about it and won't have to ask. Keep trying if you think there's a realistic chance you still can. But as I said, don't be afraid to ask for things that for you are wants or boundaries. Sometimes the other person can say yes, sometimes not. But it's always okay to ask. Try to figure out what *you* need in order for it to work. It's okay to have some jealous feelings; almost everyone (whether monogamous or polyamorous) has them from time to time.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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