I had a great conversation with Davis last night. A few months ago we were having heavy talks all the time, maybe too much even. Lately we seem to have swung too far in the other direction. I found myself feeling kind of distanced from him, and realized that I felt like we hadn't been communicating. Even though we've been hanging out a lot lately we've always been doing things -- going out, seeing friends, watching something, being physical, etc etc.
So last night I called him and asked about something that had been bugging me. Before we started dating again I'd been to a few "play parties", BDSM-themed get-togethers where dozens of people mingle and engage in kinky/sexual activities (active participation optional). I met Harry at such an event. I've since passed up multiple opportunities to attend fun-looking play parties out of deference to Davis's feelings. He finds it "weird" and even a little creepy to have sex with other people watching, or to watch other people (which is all I'd be doing at this point).
Recently, he mentioned to me that he likes the idea of clandestine sexual activity in semi-public places where you're flirting the edge of the danger that someone might see you. And my reaction was that I totally didn't get it. Why the heck would it be "creepy" to have sex in a place where people who WANT to be watching can see you and yet be ok to run the risk of being seen having sex by someone who DOESN'T want to see you??? The latter just seems rude to me.
We started there and branched out into a number of related topics. He revealed things to me that I'd never known, like that he has self-esteem issues about his body. We talked about the time I cheated on him with my ex, Ziggy, during our first go at a relationship, and how that still feeds into his apprehension about me being in sexual situations with others (this is such a difficult topic for him that just talking about it openly is HUGE for us). I was able to explain how in that instance I was stupidly letting sexual and romantic tension simmer in the background, ignoring it until it exploded in our faces. How I'd never make that mistake again, I'd talk to him long before it got to that point and either remove myself from the temptation or work something out poly-wise. He said all of that was very helpful and useful for him to hear.
I said that it was not a big deal for me to adhere to our current boundaries -- for instance, I hung out with Harry for a few hours on Sunday and was not tempted one tiny bit -- but that I do sometimes wish I had the freedom to, for example, make out with my roommate Eddie (he and I cuddle sometimes and in the past had no compunctions about taking it farther...). He immediately said "It would be ok with me if you made out with Eddie."
We talked some more and he clarified that kissing and biting with Eddie would be ok but that fondling of private parts would not be at this point. He said that he felt a little silly because his boundaries felt arbitrary but that it was important to him, because... he fumbled to explain. I jumped in and said "I understand. I broke your trust before, and being able to see now that you have the power in our relationship to say what's ok and then have that respected is a big deal, it's healing to have things go at your pace." He said yes, that was it exactly.
I am so grateful to these boards for giving me insight into things like this.
Davis went on to explain how he can feel things slowly changing for him. For instance, he is not ready to, say, consider participating in a threesome or attending a play party himself and does not know if he ever will be... but he can picture those things now, for himself, as future possibilities, which was never the case before. He said that he appreciates the opportunity to slowly acclimatize to these ideas, appreciates my patience.
He said that he in no way wants to push me into living together before I'm ready, and indeed now agrees that it's not the right time, but that he thinks it'll be that much easier for him to continue becoming more comfortable with seeing me be more open with my sexuality, and maybe even doing some exploring of openness with me, once we're in what he sees as a more stable, secure place. [wow, that was a long sentence] I told him, very directly, that the idea of living together just freaks me out at this point, for whatever reason. He said he knows and that's ok.
Such mixed feelings!!!! I'm so proud of him/us and so pleased about how things are going on one level, and so ambivalent on another level. I loathe the idea of losing him yet I can't seem to get comfortable with the idea of throwing caution to the wind and just cleaving to him and I keep wondering "Is this right, is this right, is this right for me?" Bleh bleh bleh. I get tired of talking about it, here or in my personal journal, I feel like a broken record.
To end things on a lighter note:
I asked him who exactly he might be able to picture having a threesome with. He mentioned an attractive female mutual friend. "So....... no chance of a foursome between you and me and Jay and Bonnie?" I said. He laughed and said no. I sighed dramatically and said "It's fine, I don't think they'd be into it either, I'd be the only one advocating for it and, well, three against one, it just wouldn't work." Of course I DO think that would be hella hot, and he knows I have a crush on Jay, so it really wasn't a joke, but sometimes making a joke of something is the way to get it out, and it felt good to get that desire out.