I think the disconnect here is that people are responding in a negative way to your list of rules because some of them make no sense for polyamory, which is multiple loving relationships. But polyamory isn't what you want -- you've said multiple times that if she's developing an emotional relationship with the other guy it's over. So, the problem here is that you're on a poly board asking poly people to respond to a situation that's not poly at all. Of course they have different ideas than you.
Communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship. Moreso for healthy open relationships, and even moreso for healthy poly. If she refuses to communicate with you, refuses to let you meet her other guy... I don't see how it can work. I'm sorry, I truly am, but why are you fighting for someone who won't even talk to you openly about this huge shift in your relationship? She needs to take your feelings seriously enough to talk to you about them. I agree with other posters that wanting to read her texts is not ok NORMALLY but after she JUST cheated on you... yeah, hiding them and guarding them jealously seems hella suspicious. She needs to be transparent here for, like, at least 2 seconds, to rebuild what's been broken. She needs, basically, to shape up or ship out.
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.