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Old 05-22-2012, 02:33 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
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Quote:
Originally Posted by corey View Post
3. Home - She wanted to be able to bring him over here (assuming i wasnt home) and I flat out said NO! this to me is sacred place that is just for me and her - she seemed a little upset about this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
My wife said that sort of thing after we got together. I pointed out to her that any place I can't bring any guest I choose is *not* my home, so I'd be moving out into a nearby apartment. She doesn't get to choose who my guests are in my home.

So I understand why your gf is upset. You're trying to tell her that she can't choose whom to host in her home. I wouldn't be surprised if she decided that's unacceptable and moves into her own place.
Quote:
Originally Posted by km34 View Post
I would balk at this. It's her home, too, so putting that limit seems harsh. Asking for no sexual contact when you're around or in your bed seems reasonable.
Quote:
Originally Posted by YouAreHere View Post
I can see how it would be unacceptable for the OP as well, however. My home is my haven. My cave. My 'safe place.' Being Mono, I extend that haven to my relationship with my partner, and to me, that is within the context of *our* side of the relationship and not his to give away without agreement. That said, however, I wouldn't be uncomfortable with it if I weren't there (as long as we discussed it first), but the OP's mileage seems to vary here.

I *do* expect to have a say in who comes into my home, period - OSO, friend, acquaintance, or stranger.

Sharing a home prior to opening up the relationship makes this a very hairy situation, and it wouldn't surprise me for one person to have to carve out their own 'safe place', but this should be negotiated carefully.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
- About the house, if you're paying all the bills and she's not working or studying or doing the household or contributing in another way, I can see how you feel it is your house, your rules. However I need to ask for clarification: are you telling her she's not allowed to have sex in the house, or are you telling her that her friends are not welcome in the house, sex or no sex? Because I don't feel you have a leg to stand on for the latter, but I can understand the former better.
Obviously a lot of people have different views on this! It may come down to fundamental personality differences.

I am not at all comfortable with having other (outside) people in my house. Period. Nothing to do with sex.

My home is my safe haven where I go to escape from people and the world. After interacting with people all day I need loads of "home" time to recharge my emotional batteries. If there are other people (other than my boys) there then "the world" has intruded into my space and it is temporarily no longer "home". My husband has never had a problem with this (he is almost as much of a hermit as I am) but when Dude joined us we had a few incidents that had to be discussed.

On the few occasions where we do have friends (or family) over - I need to a.) be comfortable with the person b.) know about it well ahead of time c.) know when they will be leaving.

The protesters say "BUT, it's their house too" - yes, but not having "outsiders" in my house is a fundamental requirement for me. There are other places that they can meet/hang out with/have sex with people - I only have one place to call "home." If they are chafing under this restriction then we can rent them an apartment or build a cabin on our property for this purpose.

My introvert nature has definitely become more pronounced as I have gotten older (and my job more stressful in terms of having to interact with people and be "on" all day long). But, at this point in my life, the bottom-line is that I could not live with someone who insisted on bringing other people into the house.

Jane(INTJ-Much?)Q
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
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Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 05-22-2012 at 02:38 PM.
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