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Old 05-22-2012, 03:02 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Oregon, USA
Posts: 1,444

A few comments:

- Oral sex and safer sex. You can ask her to have protected oral sex, it seems like if she has safer sex there is no reason it wouldn't include safer oral sex. It's not very hard to cut open a condom and place it there, so I don't see why it doesn't even seem to be included in your options, which seem to be unprotected oral sex or no oral sex.

- About the house, if you're paying all the bills and she's not working or studying or doing the household or contributing in another way, I can see how you feel it is your house, your rules. However I need to ask for clarification: are you telling her she's not allowed to have sex in the house, or are you telling her that her friends are not welcome in the house, sex or no sex? Because I don't feel you have a leg to stand on for the latter, but I can understand the former better.

- With curfew, you can tell her you'll feel more comfortable if she sleeps in your bed, but I can't imagine having a curfew, personally. And I don't mean just in an open relationship, even in a monogamous relationship, being told "you can hang out with your friends, but be back by midnight" isn't something I would be fine with.
As for not sleeping in someone else's bed, it seems like a lot, after sex, when you're tired and just want to sleep, to demand that she gets up, gets dressed, takes a cab and get back just so that she's sleeping in your bed. It would be one thing if it was in a hotel and she just had to walk back to the right room, but actually going back out and all seems a bit much to me. But it could be just me, I can't imagine a scenario of "sex and run" when I have sex and don't stay the night (or kick the guy out). It seems like sleeping the night is part of the sex to me.
However, I don't think it's one of the worst rules you have, it seems like one that could be worked around.

- With the text messages, you have absolutely zero right to read any of her text messages, no matter who sent them and what they're about, unless she's the one showing the text to you. And even then, I would think it's not quite right if she hasn't first asked the sender of the text if she's allowed to share it. Same goes with email and physical letters, or listening in on conversations after you pretend to be gone. Once again, it's not restricted to people she's interested in.

Basically, I think a lot of the rules, you have to look at it and think, if it was just a friend, would I feel the right to have these rules? Because in many cases, the addition of sex should not change that. The fact that she has sex with someone doesn't mean you get to look at them doing it, or flirting, or anything like that.

On the other hand, I would be concerned that she doesn't want you to meet him. Because if he's her friend, it makes sense to me she would introduce him to you and I feel this should be the same. So that's a bit concerning.

What I see here is one side being more and more controlling and the other being more and more secretive, and them feeding each other. You guys need to work out a way to break that cycle. It's possible there are things she would be willing to share with you, but is strongly against sharing because you asked for them. It's possible there are things you wouldn't care much about, but insist on asking her about because she won't tell you.

In short, your relationship has a trust problem, and you need to work that out. The rules aren't going to help if you don't work on the trust issues. I would suggest seeing someone with experience in that kind of stuff.

EDIT: oh, and don't date someone just because she does. If you're monogamous, you won't get anything from another relationship. It sounds like you wanting to "get back at her", but that would only make you miserable. Depending on her, she might not care at all, be happy about you having someone, or be upset, but for you personally, if you're monogamous, it sounds like a bad plan. Plus whoever you end up seeing deserves respect and shouldn't be used as a way to get back at your girlfriend.

Last edited by Tonberry; 05-22-2012 at 03:04 AM.
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