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Old 05-21-2012, 09:39 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,723

As nycindie also suggested, try doing a search on "boundaries" "foundations" "lessons" "communication" "mono/poly"

Your rules are very restrictive, manipulative, controlling, disrespectful of her privacy and stifling. I get that you are monogamous and she cheated on you. It sounds like most of the reasons you decided on these rules and have the questions you have is because you wants some control over the situation. I don't think enforcing rules that she is likely not going to respect is the way to do it. I think you'd do better to express how her actions make you feel and suggest ways she could make you feel loved and wanted.

As an example, the texting, tell her that you feel she is not giving you the attention you are used to and the quality time you need. Suggest that maybe you would feel better about he texting if she kept it to certain times of the day. She would have to tell her friend that she isn't available at the other times. This is where negotiation begins and your rules get discussed as requests and suggestions rather than attempting to force. If you can't agree to a boundary then make some kind of compromise and keep going over the issue until you find a boundary. This can take years, so hang in there.

Open relationships are not like poly in many ways. Rules may be part of what people with open relationships do. I don't know. I can only speak about common poly theory.

Personally, after all these years, there are no rules I have. Even safe sex is an individual thing. I don't put myself in a position that the sex I have is unsafe and if one of my partners has unsafe sex then I trust them to tell me so I can protect myself as I see fit. The rest is all a matter of feeling a feeling, expressing it and then making a request on how my partner might do something differently or change their actions so that there is more comfort for all.
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Last edited by redpepper; 05-21-2012 at 09:45 PM.
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