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Old 05-21-2012, 09:35 PM
corey corey is offline
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Spokane, WA
Posts: 36

Also asked if I would be able to ask what they did (not sexually) . . .

She might be thinking that there might be some things that she wants to kind of be between her and her friend, something that is "their thing". My "friend" and I really liked going to Hooters for All-You-Can-Eat wings on Monday nights, and while my boyfriend was always welcome, and on occasion joined us, it really was my and my "friend's" thing, and didn't feel the same/right with my boyfriend.
I appreciate that, I can now maybe understand her perspective a little now and maybe can back off this a little and possible down the road she/we can revisit

I am wondering though, she didnt seem very receptive about me meeting this person, along with the fact that she hasnt told him she is in a relationship is my "red flag" to really be concerned. She mentioned that she knows im very emotional and thinks I would have a difficult time if I knew who he was, but I feel like that is for me to decide (my feelings that is) - this may sound weird but the more opened up she is the more i feel closer to her, and it makes me love her more and for me being monogamous also makes me feel secure knowing hey, its just another guy and not fantasizing about this Superman figure

2. Safe sex - but what if someone has herpes mouth and there is oral? is it wrong of me to ask her not to allow someone to do something like that to her?
You can ask her to get her friend tested, or you can see if she's willing to forgo oral. My boyfriend asked it of me, and I tried for a long time to forgo it, but eventually I had to admit that it was too difficult for me - oral sex is a big part of what I feel is sex. I got my friend tested and we went from there.
Yeah she really likes oral, at least from me so I assume its the same with others. So asking her not to would be tough, I dont know though how to approach the situation of asking he get tested. Since he is also a student he can get a few of the tests for free, this I know. Any suggestion on how to ask?

3. Home - She wanted to be able to bring him over here (assuming i wasnt home) and I flat out said NO! this to me is sacred place that is just for me and her - she seemed a little upset about this
I'm sure with time she'll understand. If you need a safe space, and that's non-negotiable, she'll just have to decide whether or not she can deal with that. I definitely split hotel rooms with my friend when we weren't able to use his place. Be prepared for her and her friend to get creative with locations if she can't use the house, though.
Im really glad I asked this and you responded because "creative with locations" sort of makes me feel uncomfortable, unless its just his place. I guess I can ask if they can go to his place. I suppose it would be wrong to bring up hotel cuz i know she cant afford it and i dont know him so i dont know his situation.

4. I come first - When I go to sleep I want here to be in bed with me everynight. . .she seemed POSSIBLY okay with this
This did come up between my boyfriend and I. The biggest problem was that we were keeping my friend a secret, It was a hard adjustment, and there was a lot of sex a little too soon after dinner for my taste, but it wasn't all that awful.
She not typical girly type so doesnt have girlfriends I dont think she would have any concern with that similar secret situation. She says that she considers this guy (or other guys that come along) to be friends at first and then comes casual sex. She mentions that she thinks 2-3am is fine, of course but if this is just a friend with benefits i mean you hang out with your friend maybe leads to sex, but after that why do you need to hang around. Especially since she said the guy told her he doesnt want relationship or anything just the casual thing. I have no problem (when im single) if Im not with someone serious and we have sex say, hey you know its getting late and I need to get home. Am I missing another side of the perspective?

I have a feeling if I have an encounter of my own, then I might understand better? This is all just so new and scary that it seems like its going to fast.

5. She very secretive about getting text... how do i handle that?
If he was feeling particularly insecure, he might ask what I was texting/talking about with my "friend", and I'd give him a summary,
The current problem is that she saw the guy a couple times before she brought up the open-relationship, and being monogmous and not knowing whats going on, this was "cheating" so naturally at the time I was trying to see her phone and stuff. This kinda made this rift where she now password protected her phone and gets edgy at any mention of the phone/text because now she feels like im prying.

I think I can handle not reading her messages or sneaking peeks if she could simply open up and just say hey "just flirting" or "he just seeing when we can get together" or whatever it might be. The thing is I dont know how to make her believe me that she can trust me not to snoop on her phone or computer, i dont like her locking them cuz it makes me feel she doesnt trust me.

6. Cheating - how / what is cheating at this point?
Some boundaries exist out of necessity and need to be discussed, others you're going to want to create because they'll make you feel better, but the reality is, is that too many boundaries IS controlling, and will doom you to failure.
Im completely confident that if she gives me enough time, that I will definitely be a little more lax on the boundaries, but some will always have to exist. But having her home shortly after midnight the first "while" that this is occurring I told her is just temporary if she can give me time and then I can open up to accepting her 2-3am return.

7. Timeframe - i think she spoke about hanging out with this friend maybe once a week. . .this is new to me
If you're really unable to deal with her being absent that often perhaps you could ask her how she'd feel if you asked her to skip once in a while, to remind you of how important you are to her.
We are both student, and Sunday is an all day homework day for the both of us. And if she is going out every week (Fri or Sat) with someone it really puts me in that spot where I get less "quality" time than I feel that he is getting, and that hurts.
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