Originally Posted by noob
Sure, but what's done is done. She's had the affairs and there's no sense crucifying her. And plenty of people do it. She's not a monster or something. That's all I mean.
You know, I am sort of new here, and am admittedly not immersed in the poly community - am not poly myself (bf is.) So, grains of salt for the outsider and all of that.
But, I have been married before, and there was infidelity in the marriage - which was devastating to both parties. Two and a half weeks from now will be the 3rd anniversary of the discovery day...not that I'm still counting (I totally am).
I had difficulty processing the rest of PassionFlower's story after reading about the secret infidelity at the start of it. Seems to me that cheating and being poly have nothing at all in common.
PF might be poly, but that's an unrelated separate issue from the dishonesty and cheating. Seems to me that blurring the line between the two diminishes what poly is for those who practice it ethically and with love.
I have not walked in anyone else's shoes and I realize that people cheat - but why we tolerate that as a culture with a shrug and a "Well, plenty of people do it, so there it is" attitude is baffling to me.
Cheating shatters people's lives and psyches.
The reasons for the cheating don't matter.
No one deserves to have their trust violated.
I say this as the cheater.
I should have left, sought counseling, found another solution waaaay before I did. He rained down abuse on me for years that I tolerated, rationalized, and honestly, invited. Recovering from the damage he inflicted might take me a lifetime.
He still didn't deserve that, though, and I do believe it made me a monster
Which has been very, very hard to live with. Owning up to it being something inside of you that no one else made you do
is ugly. But not to would be to remain monstrous indefinitely.