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Old 05-21-2012, 04:00 PM
noob noob is offline
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 58

Originally Posted by wildflowers View Post
Is your husband articulate/self knowing enough to ask questions about what he wants to know?
It seems like he's not. This is a big part of the problem. He can't seem to decide what he wants to know, what is triggering his jealousy, and what we might do about it.

Also, maybe keep in mind that sometimes these things come in waves, and maybe you just need to hold on a bit to keep afloat through this one. It helped me a lot, when my husband recently had a lot of trouble with jealousy, to remember how I'd felt when cycling through my own jealousy issues, and to recall that sometimes you're in a trough where everything feels really hard, but the feelings can mellow or fade.
Yes, I do get that. This has just been intensifying without much improvement at all for 4 months now. I'm tired. And when I think about the back story, the problems that were already in my marriage, I feel caught in a bind: he's jealous but doesn't want more time with me; he gave me space to pursue other relationships, but now is resentful that I found one that I'm holding onto. We did talk about how he's kind of reaping what he's sown (his words)--he asked me to pursue connections with others, but I don't think he expected I would be so "successful" at it.

FWIW my husband had similar issues with wanting to know more, with feeling my relationship with my boyfriend was something he just didn't understand. One thing that did seem to help him was hearing about some of the issues I was grappling with there, to realize that other relationships weren't always easy either.

Yep, this resonates--I think seeing other relationships struggle helps him feel better. He said one reason my other relationships haven't bothered him (I've had two other 4-6 month long relationships this year; the other two overlapped) was that he saw the problems and limitations of those relationships very clearly. They weren't a threat; he couldn't see me married to or primaries with either of those people, ever. This relationship he perceives to have fewer dealbreaker-type problems; well, it does. (It has stressors and we've had our things to sort out, but certainly there have been no dealbreakers.) He perceives it to have primary potential; I agree. I feel caught between reassuring and being honest. In different circumstances, my boyfriend could almost certainly be my primary, but he's not. I did end up saying that.

Last edited by noob; 05-21-2012 at 04:07 PM.
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