I am was missing Leo this week. There, I admit it.
Why? Well, it's the first camp of the year in my body and mind and we didn't do it together this year. I don't miss sleeping on the ground and freezing my ass off, but I miss what we had and what we could of continued if it weren't for some stupid miss understanding and him falling out of interest in me. I would likely not of arranged a holiday weekend with him again, but it would of been nice to of at least said hey, ya, this is kind of different than last year.
I realized tonight that I completely overwhelm my family. I tried to lead the conversation to other love interests, burlesque.... etc. but really I am overwhelming enough as it is. They really aren't interested or care. I forget this from time to time. I am glad I remember.
My ex-wife and I went to visit an old friend today that is likely going to commit suicide in the next year. She had attempted before and really, at 90, I think she has every right to end her life. She is ready, she was two years ago last time she attempted and now she is ready again. It was really hard for me for some reason as it gave me perspective into my own life about my own parents and their recent move. Their possible decline and my role in it. I don't want to stop them from doing what they want in life, but where do you draw the line. She trusted us to not say a word and we took that trust.... but if she ends her life, then what.
I realized that if my ex were not there I could not of visited our friend at all. Its hard to see her. What was hard was that my ex told me that she would not come back for the funeral. She lives far away now and I totally understand why she wouldn't. I would likely find it difficult to make it back myself. I will have to go to the funeral alone. I wept on the way home. I don't want to do this stuff alone.
I have set up some times for myself to come up here to the island to relax and possibly bring others. My brother comes up here often, I figured I should start making it a priority. I booked one day a month into September. I hope it doesn't conflict with burlesque too much. I will cross that bridge when I come to it.
My new friend has read this whole blog now. I wonder what he thinks. No doubt he will tell me in time. I miss him and Derby and my other new friend that I just started seeing. I am looking forward to home.
My dating friend.... I really need new names for them.....! I have a date with him this week. I took him to one of my favorite restaurants in town this last week for a lunch buffet. It sucked. It was not a good rendition of the food there, oh well. We have a date coming up again on Thursday. I don't know what we will do, but I look forward to some closeness and discussion on what on earth we are doing. I worry about my new friend as we have not had a date yet officially and there is something there also. We are waiting, or I am waiting still, on his getting through his break up. All this waiting and pacing. I love/hate it.