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Old 05-21-2012, 01:35 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Kansas City Metro
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Quote:
Originally Posted by corey View Post
These are some things I discussed, I hope to hear what YOUR rules are, as well as what you think about what I have proposed to her:
We don't really have rules. We do have expectations that have been discussed, though those aren't rules.
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1. Communication - i want to know when she is going out, and i want to know who it is (maybe even if it is just a name) - she seemed okay with letting me know this

Also asked if I would be able to ask what they did (not sexually) but hanging out as friends because it will help my insecurity and build our relationship -
I view keeping Curly informed as necessity for scheduling. That's just a practical matter and really doesn't touch on polyamory, specifically. It's the same as if I'm scheduling going for wings with my friend, Bob.

As for your insecurities, those are yours, entirely. Trying to mimic everything they go do isn't going to make you any more attractive to her. If anything, it'll make you seem pathetic and turn her off.
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2. Safe sex - this is obvious - she is always safe, even for the longest time with me.... but what if someone has herpes mouth and there is oral? is it wrong of me to ask her not to allow someone to do something like that to her?
We have safe sex as an expectation, simply because we don't want to be involved with anybody who would put us at risk. It's not a rule, though. I just need to know if my wife has had any unprotected sex with somebody else so I can decide what action to take--using protection, myself, until testing shows her safe or leaving the relationship or whatever.

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3. Home - She wanted to be able to bring him over here (assuming i wasnt home) and I flat out said NO! this to me is sacred place that is just for me and her - she seemed a little upset about this
My wife said that sort of thing after we got together. I pointed out to her that any place I can't bring any guest I choose is *not* my home, so I'd be moving out into a nearby apartment. She doesn't get to choose who my guests are in my home.

So I understand why your gf is upset. You're trying to tell her that she can't choose whom to host in her home. I wouldn't be surprised if she decided that's unacceptable and moves into her own place.
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4. I come first - When I go to sleep I want here to be in bed with me everynight, I dont want to go to bed alone knowing she is sleeping over with someone else. She says after sex (and i know she is like this) she gets tired and sleepy and said she wants to be out til 2-3am ... I want her home by midnight (see next paragraph)... - she doesnt really like this idea, cuz above mentioned
She is an adult, correct? You don't get to decide that sort of thing for another adult. You can decide that for your children.

Were somebody to try to tell me what time I had to be home, I'd walk off laughing.
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5. She very secretive about getting text, ...

I really would like to see these messages but she is pretty much like NO that is controlling ...
Um...no. Oh, hell, no! Those texts are none of your business.

Were she a friend of mine, I'd be recommending she dump you. That's the sort of red flag that should have people running as far away as possible.
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So what do you think of my boundaries, am I asking too much. Is it okay to have stricter boundaries for her to be sensitive to my "transitional" period, i think that after I have a so called "friend" encounter of my own, or even after time itself that I would be able to relax more and become more comfortable with all this.
I think you need to deal with your own issues and keep them as your issues. If you make her deal with them, you can expect only heartache. She's an adult and fully capable of making her own decisions. You can concentrate on figuring out how to find equilibrium as things change or you can try to control and inhibit that change and alienate the person you're trying to develop a relationship with; I'll suggest the former is a preferable course of action.
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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