Boundaries / Rules to Open Relationship
What are some of the rules that everyone has with their relationships.
Since I already received one negative response, I want to make it clear - these are ALL rules that I have found online at MULTIPLE different "open-relationship" sites that describe rules and boundaries that people have. I am speaking of me being a primary relationship and her having a FWB sort of open relationship.
My girlfriend wants to have open-relationship and not "one night stands" but with people she says are friend and be able to have casual sex to fulfill this "need" she has.
I have always been monogamous so this is already hard for me. I just found out this is what she needs 2 days ago.
These are some things I discussed, I hope to hear what YOUR rules are, as well as what you think about what I have proposed to her:
1. Communication - i want to know when she is going out, and i want to know who it is (maybe even if it is just a name) - she seemed okay with letting me know this
Also asked if I would be able to ask what they did (not sexually) but hanging out as friends because it will help my insecurity and build our relationship - for example, if they go to art museum and she liked/disliked it, i would like to know and maybe thats something WE can also do and share together
- to this she seem a little hesitant, but POSSIBLY open
2. Safe sex - this is obvious - she is always safe, even for the longest time with me.... but what if someone has herpes mouth and there is oral? is it wrong of me to ask her not to allow someone to do something like that to her?
3. Home - She wanted to be able to bring him over here (assuming i wasnt home) and I flat out said NO! this to me is sacred place that is just for me and her - she seemed a little upset about this
4. I come first - When I go to sleep I want here to be in bed with me everynight, I dont want to go to bed alone knowing she is sleeping over with someone else. She says after sex (and i know she is like this) she gets tired and sleepy and said she wants to be out til 2-3am ... I want her home by midnight (see next paragraph)... - she doesnt really like this idea, cuz above mentioned
I proposed that at least until I have my first "friend" and understand that maybe she could help my jealousy/insecurity by saying to herself "its midnight she start thinkin of coming home, wrap up and let him know that she needs to get home" - she seemed POSSIBLY okay with this
5. She very secretive about getting text, i got upset yesterday we went shopping and she didnt even know where we parked because she was glued to her phone talking with her "friend" I didnt think this was acceptable because this was "my time with her" - i think she understood, however I/we are not sure how to handle this I mean, I dont want her hiding in another room texting but I dont want her spending 30 min texting this other person ...
I really would like to see these messages but she is pretty much like NO that is controlling ... maybe it is, she password protected her phone, i just want her to be open and i dont care what they talk about but it make me feel better knowing she let me see... she showed me once message the first day we ever talk but i could tell she deleted some of it and she lied (i think) saying she didnt... she also passwords her computer
I am not a snoopy person, but her hiding things like this has turned me into something i dont like, where i feel like i need to sneak peek at her phone or laptop... how do i handle that?
6. Cheating - how / what is cheating at this point? i feel if we communicate boundaries and she doesnt abide by them this would be cheating, however - what do I do if it happens? How do I handle boundaries in a way that I dont make her feel like she is being controlled? - she feels too many boundaries and demands takes away from me embracing this open relationship and confining and controlling her
7. Timeframe - i think she spoke about hanging out with this friend maybe once a week, to me that is a LOT but she says sometimes its not even sexual because it is a "friend" with benefits, so it doesnt always lead to sexual encounter ...
I know if I ask her to see him less that would upset her (she is really against "controlling") but maybe I can get some leeway since this is new to me
8. Ending her relationship with her friend - What can I do if I dont feel like I want her to be with a particular person, or if I feel like maybe she is getting to close, she seems pretty confident that there are ABSOLUTELY NO FEELINGS and I believe her, but things happen...
9. Someone for me to talk to - she doesnt want anyone to know, she has always been a private person, her culture, not just with this relationship thing but everything about her life, but I NEED someone to talk to cuz this is tough for me to know I have to share her - im not sure if she can be accepting of this
10. She should tell other person she is in relationship - She has stated that she and her 'friend' are clear that they are not mushy mushy or looking for relationship just friendship and casual sex if it comes up, but she doesnt tell them she is in relationship. I would like her to let them know - im not sure why but I think she would not really like this idea, which makes me feel like she is cheating on me
So what do you think of my boundaries, am I asking too much. Is it okay to have stricter boundaries for her to be sensitive to my "transitional" period, i think that after I have a so called "friend" encounter of my own, or even after time itself that I would be able to relax more and become more comfortable with all this.
Also, what other rules do you guys/girls maintain that might apply to this particular kind of relationship cuz this open-relationship she wants is a little different in aspects than what I have read online where all partners know everything and talk to each other.
Last edited by corey; 05-21-2012 at 01:57 AM.
Reason: Negative response from AutomnalTone