New to a mono/poly relationship
Hello Im new around here and have nobody to discuss this with so I thought this forum may be a good place (I have been lurking for a couple of months but finally made an account)
I met a fantastic man who is poly. When I first met him he told me all about polyamory and later urged me to buy "The ethical slut". I had out of curiousity read about polyamory online after our first conversation. I felt open towards the concept, but didnt have any moment where i "knew it was for me". I dont know how I am "wired".
I have only been in one relationship before my current one. IT was strictly mono (w/ an extreamly controlling, jelous guy we will call S ). I was with him from age 17 to 20. S was my first. The first guy I even made out with.
Then shortly before turning 20 I reunited with this poly man(we will call P) after months of thinking he was unattainable and a man id never see again, I was really excited to see him and realized I liked him a lot. We fooled around a bit (S had told me he would have an open relationship with me but we both knew he wouldnt be able to handle it) anyhow, P later told me he wasnt looking for a hookup, he was looking for a relationship, but he wouldnt see me unless I came clean to S about him.
Needless to say I came clean to S, and eventually broke up with him(something I had been thinking about doing but never had the courage to do so I was staying in a relationship where I was unhappy.)
I felt like things were going swimmingly with P. Ive been kind of seeing him since September. Of course I didnt know if I was seeing him or what, his facebook status said single untill recently.
a few problems or challanges have arised though 1) P is a huge flirt, has dated and hooked up with hundreds of girls and makes out with many girls when we go out. This isnt a problem really...(he tells me "Im probably going to be making out with some girls at this party" and tells me about it after if i want to know. In a few cases he has told me he hooked up with a girl, but afterwards.) Of course I feel jelous the moment he tells me but I dont think the girl is going to replace me.
He encourages me to talk to other boys and see other people. I have only been with one other person in my life. I have social anxiety disorder and am not exactly a social butterfly. I dont really want to meet other people at this time. I dont want to seem clingy to him though.
He met a girl who I really liked a while ago about a month after we started seeing each other, I felt like he was in love with her. If he was he wouldnt admit it because he only uses the word love when giving his polyamory lecture. He would talk about her often. He would tell me to be more like her, some times that I was more and more like her everyday. that he missed her when she was gone ect. It bothered me and I told him so eventually. But she moved across the country to be with her love and he got depressed. and slowly got over her. It was really hard on me.
I felt like he would want to be mono with her even though he has been poly (or mono out of convienence) for 17 years. He is 30 and I just turned 20. I have no experience, and dont know how to even flirt with people.... and he has been an "ethical slut" for 17 years.
The problem now is me, I am depressed, I struggle really badly sometimes and S used to be a support system for me sort of. P doesnt know how to deal with my 'baggage' and finds it draining. He constantly tells me that confidence is a huge turn on well knowing i struggle with mine. The other girl, came off as extreamly confident and flirty. I feel like P preaches this idea that someone who is poly has different needs and loves people in different ways, but i feel like hes constantly comparing me to her.
She doesnt tell him about her problems as I do and I dont want to do that to him, and sometimes he reacts badly, so i try to no longer tell him when I am having trouble, unless things are reeally bad and i need a friend. (I actually dont have any friends really except a couple online. Social anxiety).
Last night after I went to him because things were really bad, a friend of mine was serious about suicide....after we were talking he told me "I dont think our relationship is going to last" because I am instinctually drawn to troubled people, people with depression, friends who are suicidal, people who hurt themselves. and he is non of those things. He said I dont think we have anything in common. I pointed out to him that I love that about him because it makes me more hopefull, more confident and feel better about myself and my life, and all the things we have in common in spite of his remark.
what he said really hurt me. he then signed offline after saying "Night!". I texted him later and said "thank you for your support. your right our relationship isnt going to last if you do not want it to." and he replied "I want you. but do you want me?" I replied of course, because i reeeally like this man. but his reply confused me. I felt relieved but simply confused.
I expressed my fears to him a while ago, not that I would be jelous of his other girls but that he will find a poly woman (which is what he really wants.) who will not have my emotional baggage and mono needs and will prefer that over me simply because I am a burden at times. I do not know if my positives are enough to out weigh my negatives when this man can get ANY any girl he wants. I havent told him, because I know it will freak him out but I love this man. Hes no longer the "perfect" guy I hooked up with because I know him better, his fears, what frustrates him, his mannerisms and "flaws" and I dont love him any less for these things. He is a beautiful person and I want to be with him. I do not know how he feels about me. He says things like "I dont know why i keep attracting girls with problems, who dont know what they want ect." and I told him that makes me feel bad and he said he was sorry. Likewise I told him that how he compares me to the other girl makes me feel bad and he apologized as well. He says he doesnt have a filter, he just says what he is thinking or feeling.
I know this is really a long message but well its cathartic even if I do not recieve any replies. I dont even know if I had a question....
I hope to get to know you guys around here. Thanks for listening.