been a minute since i posted.
i move pretty slowly these days...want everybody to be on the same page if possible, no scary surprises or upsets if i/we can help it...no hurt feelings for no good reason...so (to quote TruckerPete) i'm pretty much "practicing" poly instead of living it for the time being. or maybe i should say it's more emotional and theoretical than it is physical at this point.
this being the case, i wonder if anybody cares to read the developing life story of a newbie who's still in the getting-her-toes-wet stages.
i will say that it IS nice to be able to read other's blogs and threads; i appreciate the fact that all of you who do take the time out to post, and give me a chance to use your experiences as guidelines to forging my own path . *thank you*
so...J and i have been getting together for a meal and some hangtime (which includes cuddling/snuggling and plenty of affection but no sex) at least once a week for over a month now. it's been really nice. being able to do this has stemmed from my admitting that i never lost feelings for him, but just developed feelings for Z, and his admitting that he can see why i left in the first place. he said he wants to just start all over with me as friends, and although he would like for it to become more, he will take me as i come, he will be honest with me, and even though (we've recently addressed this) it makes him angry when i talk more than just surface details about Z and our relationship (best FWB at this point), he knows he needs to hear it and that we need to talk about it. he knows he needs to deal with it because it's a very real and daily part of my life and who i am.
J has not dealt with or forgiven Z (i am not sure how much needs forgiving at this point, as to my (limited) understanding, Z has both apologized and tried to give J the truth of what happened and how it happened between the two - and three - of us from day one, two-ish years ago). to J's understanding, i have shown that i value our relationship (mine & J's) because, through and beyond our messy breakup, i made and kept contact as best i could, tried to explain upon multiple occasions how and why it all happened and how i felt, showed concern for his feelings and well-being, and because he could tell how bad it all made me feel. (now, imho, J can be a bit of a passive-aggressive ego/power-player and a victim when he chooses to. it's old learned behavior that he reverts to - survival mechanism stuff. i SEE it but only choose to point it out when i feel it's necessary.) J feels that if Z truly valued their (15-ish y/o) friendship (and it WAS very close in times past), that he would feel as bad as i and basically put on sackcloth and come grovelling as well. (a slight exaggeration, but i do feel J wants a(nother) formal apology as well as possibly public acknowledgement that he was "in the right" in this whole situation - which he is not going to get from Z, and i both understand why and agree.)
Z, on the other hand, has no real animosity toward J, save that he believes (sometimes correctly) that J would like him to "die in a fiery car accident". the only thing that really makes Z prickly concerning J - and he doesn't mind being vocal about it and then getting past it - is when i occasionally compare the two of them aloud (often offhandedly). or when he used to get the vibe that i might want to go back to J and try to work out that relationship.
damn - i use a lot of parenthetical phrases. (don't i?)
just this past week, i checked out "One Big Happy Family" (Rebecca Walker) and "Stranger in a Strange Land" (Heinlein *duh*). am part way thru both and very engaged in each....
am realizing that part of what i'm trying to do (subconsciously?) is to form my own family. from CHOSEN members instead of luck-of-the-draw blood kin.
don't get me wrong - i LOVE my blood family. am also glad i don't have to live with most of them. it suits me fine to go home once every couple/few months and hang out for a day or the whole weekend.
i love and greatly appreciate my roots, but i love the wings that my being an autonomic individual gives me as well. and i feel that i could not have one without the other.
i could see myself in a vee with Z and J...an arrangement that is not likely to happen, but there is always a chance. i am not putting all my eggs in that chance-basket, but i did read somewhere a quote that sticks with me:
ENCOURAGE YOUR HOPES, NOT YOUR FEARS.
i love them both as whole people, and i don't want to live with or be "wife" or even particularly "girlfriend" to either one of them (though i feel i could possibly be "girlfriend" to both of them, if we could reach such an agreement). i feel i could go a long way toward mutually loving, satisfying, and meeting needs with both of them, and getting that in return. the "feeler" part of me says that could work really well. the "thinker" part of me wonders how in the hell i came to that conclusion, seeing as how they're both admittedly mono (although each has allowed some lenience in that, simply in understanding that i feel i am NOT and in knowing that i COULD like to share - and emotionally, already am and have been all along), as well as looking at the wedge that was driven (albeit unequally) between them during the whole discovery/deceit/fallout/breakup process.
another part of it is this: i THINK i'd be fine with them each seeing/being with other people, too. i trust both to be careful with their/our health sexually, and i am comfortable with the fact that "you have to give it to get it." i think i would be fine (and maybe very happy!) meeting a metamour "belonging to" either. loving both of them (and others) deeply, similarly, with no need for qualification/quantification thereof, i think i could put myself in their shoes pretty well when coming face to face with a third (fifth?) in our party... BUT i won't know that until and unless it happens. (LOL - so let's get it happening already!
) *eager to learn*
also...i have yet to tell Z all about these feelings. he knows that i still love J, that i'll always love J and have deep feelings for him. he knows we've been hanging out much more often - and being able to do this with J has led me to feeling happier when i spend time with Z. not sure how to say it - i tend to be a beater-around-the-bush, to think too much and also provide too much information when sometimes people just need the grit and core of a topic.
do i just open it up bluntly? "you know i love you, and i want you to be happy, and i want to support you fully in living the life you most want to live. i don't want to move backwards or distance myself in any way with you, but i've been happy to hang out with J again lately, and i feel i could be very happy to be with him in some of these same ways, to be sexual again with him. but i don't want to start back up with the same kind of exclusive or (progressing-toward-exclusive) relationship we used to have. i want to love you both."
part of me rolls her eyes and gives myself a facepalm, because i'm pretty sure these are words Z has maybe been afraid of hearing from the beginning. also, as much as i guilt-trip sometimes, am feeling selfish for even thinking of asking. (though this won't stop me from barrelling through, eventually.)