The Final Encounter … and a Realization
This continues until it it culminates one weekend in late October.
MrS and CrazyGirl are both out of town. Friday night Dude comes over to keep me company. We drink, we talk, we cuddle. MrS calls and we tell him how delicious the lasagna that he left me is. (MrS always makes me a lasagna when he goes out of town, since I don't cook – it has been refined for me over the years to perfection: sausage and pepperoni, artichokes and black olives, magic and love). CrazyGirl calls and we talk to her about the event she is attending (and all the drama that ensues...there is always drama around CrazyGirl).
We drink some more, we talk some more, we cuddle some more. But we go past cuddles to petting...to grinding...Stop. We go to bed, to sleep. Dude sleeps naked. (I do NOT).
Saturday I have to go to work for a few hours. Dude is sleeping when I leave. I am on edge knowing that he is there, I am wondering what I am doing... I am excited to have him to myself for a whole weekend. I come home, he is still there. Drinking, talking, cuddling. We talk about our relationships, we talk about our discomforts. Petting again leads to grinding leads to...not sex but soooooo intense (I still have my clothes on, but Goddess, I feel him so close to me). I start to lose myself ...again. I find myself kissing him (Oh, JaneQ...what are you doing?...stop/don't stop.)
We go to bed. We don't sleep. We don't have sex, but... (I am technically following the MMMNM rule here, right?... with the exception of the kissing earlier, which was a mistake...but wait, that is my rule not MrS's...) I am driving myself crazy. I want, I want, I want. I lose myself again. I cry out in frustration...I have let myself go way past “safe” and I am not satisfied but I am scared. “Help me.” I say. “I'm trying to.” He says. “I can't.” Stop.
Stillness. Sadness. Lying there in only my underwear with a naked sweaty Dude lying half-over me. If MrS were standing at the window right now he would NOT BE HAPPY. My NRE-haze of self-deception clears. What am I doing?! I have deceived myself, my husband and Dude. I have convinced myself that everything is fine and MrS “knows” but doesn't want to talk about it. I have convinced Dude to believe my delusion. I have presented myself to my husband as a trust-worthy person who plays lightly with her friends but would never betray him. I have made choices that could lead to devastation of all that I care about and hold close.
I am a complete JACKASS!
Sunday, I get up and go to work for a few hours. I am distracted by envisioning the conversations I must have with Dude and MrS. I come home and talk to Dude. I apologize. I have realized that what are experiencing is based on a deception that I can no longer propagate. That the scales have fallen from my eyes. He asks why I kept coming back to play with him if I was not absolutely certain it was okay. “You're kind of addictive, Dude.” We talk. We walk the dogs. He asks if I think that we can ever have what I was envisioning, what we were pretending. I tell him to “ask me again in 10 years.” I am not optimistic. I send him home.
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (23+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (4+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi married female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.
My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 05-19-2012 at 09:50 PM.