Ok, now we get to the meat of the matter. How do I convey what happened over the next two months? I actually have two viewpoints – what I did and thought (convinced myself to think?) at the time and what I think was really happening in retrospect.
TL;DR version – Over a period of 2 months, I escalated my emotional and physical relationship with Dude while convincing myself (and him) that MrS would be ok with it – but didn't want to know. In essence representing a DADT policy that did not, in actual fact, exist.
After Dude's talk with MrS our physical contact was initially much constrained. However, on more than one occasion, Dude and CrazyGirl were there when we had other friends around and witnessed how physically interactive I am with my other male friends in MrS's (and the male friend's spouse's) presence without anyone seeming upset in any way. They were there on one occasion when MsJ and I got together without MrS batting an eyelash.
Dude's interactions with me gradually escalated to match this modeling (clearly more than his “hugs and backrubs” rule, clearly less then our initial encounter). I would flirt and play with and kiss CrazyGirl, both with the boys present (“That's hot!”) and alone – all playful and fun (she is, I believe, only bi-curious but was interested in the two-girls- making-boys-hot-and-bothered paradigm). MrS did ask me not to play with CrazyGirl and Dude together at one point as he was uncomfortable feeling left out – even if invited (he having no real interest playing with CrazyGirl himself).
Dude and I would stay up late into the night after CrazyGirl and MrS had gone to sleep. Drinking, talking...petting. MrS would periodically wake up in the night and come and find me. (I'd hear the bedroom door open and pop off of Dude's lap before MrS got to the garage). He would be irritated that I hadn't come to bed yet “It's three AM and you have to be up in four hours...You know I don't like you driving when you are sleep-deprived.” - but make no mention of the hours that I was spending alone with Dude.
We talked about polyamory (he had never heard the word before). He talked about his experiences in the past sleeping with wives of friends in open marriages (which sounded like more NSA sex / swinging-type scenarios modified by the fact that they were all friends). I talked about my previous encounters with boys (Otter and MrClean) and MrS's responses – namely that he was not comfortable witnessing certain interactions but hadn't actually forbidden them. He talked about his experiences living in a BDSM house (although not part of the “scene” himself).
In the meantime – Dude and CrazyGirl are dating/having sex. Her life a continual whirlwind of Drama and Ex-Boyfriends. They break up and get back together several times. She gets mad because he hasn't taken down his profile on the online dating site. She puts hers back up and talks about all of the men who want to meet her. He doesn't think they are “right” for each other – but he likes her (and the whole “having sex” thing...). She habitually drives drunk, he disapproves, they fight. Drama. Melodrama.
Gradually I built up a picture in my mind (and Dude's) based on snippets of conversations I had had with MrS of a man (MrS) who knows his wife is a little tramp but who is (relatively) okay with that as long as he doesn't need to witness anything hot-and-heavy and that it doesn't lead to any drama that requires him to face it directly or acknowledge it publicly. (I have talked to MrS about this since, and it may have been partially true – he thinks he may have suspected “something was up” but dismissed it since I didn't seem agitated or upset. Since I, generally, can't keep a secret to save my life he assumed that everything was “par for the course.” But really it was my, heretofore unknown, ability for self-deception, that led to this – I had actually, at least superficially, “convinced” myself that MrS was aware of the situation and okay with it … as long as we didn't talk about it.)
Dude, on several occasions, expressed his discomfort with our developing situation (relationship? Friendship-With-less-than-sex-Benefits?) without a clear “go-ahead” from MrS. But he deferred to my status as MrS's long-time companion. (Which, he now feels, was definitely a mistake – perhaps he was as eager to “see what he wanted to see” as I was? I think.)
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (22+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi married female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.
My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe