You did more than just damage the "possibility of the three of you being in a relationship." You damaged any trust Kathy had in you, and you damaged the respect you had for her. That violation is much much heavier and deeper to consider than whether or not you'll be able to be with both of them simultaneously.
Opening an existing monogamous relationship up to becoming a polyamorous one only works when it has a strong foundation of trust and respect. You can't fix a broken relationship and the heartache you caused by somehow convincing your wife to sanction your fooling around by calling it poly.
Your work begins with repairing the damage you did to your marriage and how badly you hurt your wife with your betrayal. I would consider this quite an urgent need if I were you. Cheating is not poly. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and "hurt" about Kathy not being willing to put up with you pursuing anything more with Rita - jeez, you could have been open and honest from the start but you chose to lie and cheat. You can't expect to treat the woman you claim to love so disrespectfully without there being consequences for your actions.
I think you and Kathy need to get back on track and discuss your heartfelt feelings and what you want for your marriage, and perhaps therapy is the way to go. Stop seeing Rita, even as "just friends." Seeing her will only make things worse. It really is rather audacious and ballsy for a mistress on the side to say she can't share her boyfriend who is cheating on his spouse, but at least Rita is right in saying that since she doesn't want to share you that it should end.
Last edited by nycindie; 05-19-2012 at 09:50 PM.