Originally Posted by Anneintherain
I do have a lot of opinions about that. I can see why your husband getting into a relationship with this person could be troubling. I would not be involved with anybody who would engage in cheating & I can imagine how stressful it is that you don't like it but have "agreed to disagree". Has your husband talked about how he'd feel if you were with somebody who was cheating or engaged in it? Sometimes people are OK with things for themselves that don't look so OK when they see somebody else do it, not necessarily the case and I guess it's irrelevant if you're not going to compromise yourself morally so he can see what it's like when the shoe is on the other foot.
Is there a way you can meet this woman soon? If so I'd do it ASAP if possible.
Technically my husband and I have veto power at the beginning of a relationship, before things get important. I mean if somebody looked likely to be serious trouble and he wasn't "listening" to my concerns, I may say it's her or me if a couple of months had gone by where negative stuff from their relationship was affecting our relationship. My husband can choose whomever he prefers but if it seems somebody is going to do things to disrupt our relationship I'm not going to just let it continue for the rest of my life.
This "pouting" you describe, that would be a giant red flag for me. It makes me wonder if she does that to her cheating husband partners. It makes me wonder if she thinks she has more rights to attention and devotion from your husband because he's poly. I just polled my husband on this, as he's been out with at least a few hundred women over the last 25 years, and the only woman who was pouting about something like this was 21 and monogamous. Pouting about time and attention is probably one of the the biggest destructive things a person can do in a poly relationship, and it's quite unattractive and immature and places a creepy onus on your partner, which can be a problem if your husband wont nip it in the bud BEFORE they are "dating" dating.
I hope you don't have to suffer through a lot of drama for your husband to figure out this might not be a good fit and learn some lessons, but it seems very possible. That's one reason I think meeting her sooner than later would possibly (though not likely) make her realize you're a real human and start acting like a person sharing a partner and not like a spoiled brat.
Thank you so much for the feedback! I've actually had Hubby read this thread. He agreed with your post and feels after the pouting she's not the right fit. Yesterday really determined that for him. He's not talking to the degree that he was but he has said good morning & let her know what we had planned for the day & wished her a good day. Last night she got upset & said she thought something was wrong & that he was mad at her. I know he got carried away but he didn't just drop off the face of the earth. He gave her a heads up that we would be doing things with the family & wouldn't be able to talk as much. He's not tolerant of drama & I'm glad he got the picture quick. Makes me feel more secure about his future choices.
He said he wasn't sure about the question if it were me dating a person who was ok with cheating. He's giving it some thought & I think he really hadn't considered if shoe were on other foot.
It's been another good learning experience & opened a dialog about things we hadn't anticipated would be important to discuss.
I do feel badly for him because I know he was excited. Never fun to see that look on his face. But better than to have seen possible hurt later.