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Old 05-19-2012, 06:49 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
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Originally Posted by PolyCurious4 View Post
I know, and Hubby has pointed out, I have to trust him that he will treat me well & not allow anything that is contrary. The reason I say this is I am not keen on his choice of people (yes I know, they are not dating me, I don't have to like them, only have to trust him). I am not fond of the knowledge that the other men she is involved with are married but not poly - their wives have no idea & ate cheating. Hubby & I have always disagreed on this point. I am not interested in being involved with someone that is knowingly seeing someone who is cheating. IMO it shows they don't have a respect for others relationships. Others may disagree but that's a core moral issue for me. I'm not going to be a party to someone knowingly hurting their spouse. Again, his choice not mine.

I'm also not thrilled that she pouts when he can't either see her or talk to her. My thought is if you're not very involved yet and pouting what happens when they become sexually involved & their are emotions beyond the crushing that's going on now. Hubby has assured me if that becomes an issue he will nip it in the bud. I believe him. I just rather avoid possible drama in the first place but am aware I may not be the most objective & don't really know her.

I have been trying to sort out why I had such a strong reaction. Hubby has had interactions with women before. Though our quad didn't work out as we had hoped I didn't feel this way about her. I was happy for Hubby. She he confided that he had strong feelings for her I was happy for him. Poly is new to us but he's had connections with people before. It's nt been an issue.

One of the things I think that may be a trigger is that he's never had a relationship with someone I've never met at all. With the previous quad we spent most of our time independently. But I did know her and liked feeling of knowing that she respected me, my relationship & vice vs.
I do have a lot of opinions about that. I can see why your husband getting into a relationship with this person could be troubling. I would not be involved with anybody who would engage in cheating & I can imagine how stressful it is that you don't like it but have "agreed to disagree". Has your husband talked about how he'd feel if you were with somebody who was cheating or engaged in it? Sometimes people are OK with things for themselves that don't look so OK when they see somebody else do it, not necessarily the case and I guess it's irrelevant if you're not going to compromise yourself morally so he can see what it's like when the shoe is on the other foot.

Is there a way you can meet this woman soon? If so I'd do it ASAP if possible.

Technically my husband and I have veto power at the beginning of a relationship, before things get important. I mean if somebody looked likely to be serious trouble and he wasn't "listening" to my concerns, I may say it's her or me if a couple of months had gone by where negative stuff from their relationship was affecting our relationship. My husband can choose whomever he prefers but if it seems somebody is going to do things to disrupt our relationship I'm not going to just let it continue for the rest of my life.

This "pouting" you describe, that would be a giant red flag for me. It makes me wonder if she does that to her cheating husband partners. It makes me wonder if she thinks she has more rights to attention and devotion from your husband because he's poly. I just polled my husband on this, as he's been out with at least a few hundred women over the last 25 years, and the only woman who was pouting about something like this was 21 and monogamous. Pouting about time and attention is probably one of the the biggest destructive things a person can do in a poly relationship, and it's quite unattractive and immature and places a creepy onus on your partner, which can be a problem if your husband wont nip it in the bud BEFORE they are "dating" dating.

I hope you don't have to suffer through a lot of drama for your husband to figure out this might not be a good fit and learn some lessons, but it seems very possible. That's one reason I think meeting her sooner than later would possibly (though not likely) make her realize you're a real human and start acting like a person sharing a partner and not like a spoiled brat.
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
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