Originally Posted by PaperGrace
If it's not too much to ask, FigNewtonian, why do you believe you will be monogamous with BaB in the future? Is she holding out for a particular circumstance? What made you choose the polyamorous path vs. the monogamous path you were on previously?
I'm separated, about to get divorced from my wife who is asexual. She's the other side of the V, if you will.
I love her, cherish her, and am giving her the type of physical affection she craves. If, on the rare moment when the planets align, she decides she wants more, then I'll be there to offer it in the spirit of love and understanding.
The alternative is to leave her in a situation where she seeks that out with other men who don't understand asexuality or don't believe in it. She's already had this issue once with a guy who wouldn't let it go — insisting that she just needed a good screw and that as a woman he knows she wants it.
The poly arrangement allows me to stay part of her life, giving her the level of involvement she wants/needs, while not limiting myself to a life of essential celibacy. And let's not be disingenuous — I do want and enjoy that contact as well.
I tried FWB. It was hollow. Empty. I need the mental, emotional, physical package to be fulfilled. I found that perfectly with BaB.
There will, almost certainly, come a time when the wife realizes that she's ready to find an asexual mate to share her life — someone who she can live with full time (I've moved into my own place) and be close to without the pressures and expectations of sex.
When she does, we'll disentangle, and I'll welcome her new beau into the extended family — but at that point I fully expect to revert to mono status again. I'll love her, but it will be a different, by necessity, type of love.
If the trajectory continues with BaB and myself, then I expect to marry her.
This is a poly by circumstance situation. What I have gained, though, is the real view of how it can and does work. Before this situation I thought for sure poly was a bunch of people who just wanted to have multiple sexual partners under the guise of some overarching morally-justifiable excuse to do so. I don't think that's true anymore — although to be fair, I'm sure there's a not insignificant amount of that out there. There are plenty of forum posts here that seem to back that up.
TL;DNR: It's a lifestyle choice that all three of us seem to be able to deal with — despite not being our default states. There's love, kindness, genuine want for all parties to be happy. That's good enough for now.