Thread: GreenMom's Blog
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Old 05-18-2012, 11:05 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Although you did not post anything from your List here (I'm hoping more romantic dates is on it), I wonder if there are other possible outcomes besides either him staying distant and you accepting it or him going all in and you both are more committed. I think there might be other more "middle ground" solutions.

As I was writing this reply, I realized that I may have a different idea of what going "all in" is than what you expect from him. See, I think there are two separate distinct things - one is the type of relationship and the other is the type of commitment. I think he can still be all in and totally committed to a looser casual relationship, or he can be very non-committal to an agreed upon, tighter, more "partner-y" type relationship. I see commitment as not being about the type of relationship, but about the approach to it.

So, it is a good thing to make a list of what you want in a relationship and then ask what kind of commitment he is able to make, but those may not be as diametrically opposed as you think. For example, I like having very loose and relaxed relationships with my lover-friends. Generally seeing each other once a week, and sometimes only once a month, is okay with me. I don't need to know anyone else in their lives, and I don't need a lot of what most people need in relationships to know someone is committed to our love-friendship as fully as they can be.

Last summer, I let go of a LDR with someone I really liked because he could not commit. There would have been no way we could have a traditional romantic partnership, being that he is married and lives in another city, but all those parameters were acceptable to me, as long as I felt he was "all in" to make it work. But he was feeling ambivalent, being new to poly, and I let the relationship go because of that. We had only begun to see each other, so there was no love in the equation yet, but...

I am realizing more and more that very often love is just not enough. So, to me, the fact that I love someone doesn't really mean anything, other than that I have a feeling about him. What means more to me is what someone is willing to put into making it work, whether or not there is respect and caring, and if the relationship brings me satisfaction.

Not sure if I am being helpful or just rambling, but I was moved to share.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 05-01-2014 at 04:36 AM.
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