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Old 05-18-2012, 06:26 PM
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lovefromgirl lovefromgirl is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: The Great Soggy Northeast
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First, without plowing through the rest of the thread (so probably nothing revolutionary):

Is being a secondary necessarily a comment on where I am in the hierarcy v. where the relationship stands on its own merit relative to SO's life, given the natural evolution of the relationship as it stands now?
I've always read it as more the latter. I feel no less loved than if I were primary. I just don't live with them. However, your situation is not mine, and we have been explicit about these matters with each other.

If all of my emotional, mental, and physical nourishment needs are being met in the relationship as it stands right now in this moment in time, does the SO's relationship with anyone else (primary or otherwise) make what I have/get less? I'm still winning, yes?
That's the idea, IMO. We give what we can to the people we love, and no, it's not "less" because we aren't giving it all to one person.

On one hand, regardless of my SO's relationship with anyone else, his and my relationship has to have it's own growth pattern and rhythm. I can't predict the future, but I do see and am excited by the potential.
Exactly this. And if your needs stop being met, then you have the right to speak up. If you are not content, say so instead of letting it rot inside you.

And, again, if needs are being met, what does being "secondary" even mean in the big picture?
Only, as far as I'm concerned, that you don't live with them and aren't raising a family together. At some point, the terms may come to mean even less to you.

I should clarify that I identify as poly and am "secondary" (see first answer) but am not seeing anyone else at the moment, with few possibilities on the horizon.
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