Originally Posted by blytheandbonny
@NewToday Wow! Thanks for sharing your experience as a mono/secondary. It's heartening to read that though you are not the co-habitating partner and the partner whose time shared together is more limited that you are fulfilled and consider yourself to have a complete life. As I rediscovered with my dissolved marriage, it's so important to be a well-rounded person whose many needs are fed from many different sources. It's interesting to me that your description of the time and energy you have for those healthy non-relationship life enhancing things seems to be galvanized by the time boundaries you two share.
You give me too much credit. I made it sound easy, which it surely isn't.
Truely the success of such relationships is strictly based on all partners willingness to at least TRY to make this work. ALL
parties involved must support the arrangement. My comments spoke to what I ideally try to do everyday to fill my life with growth and love. Make no mistake, it does get lonely. And it can get frustrating when you find that one or both of the other parties is an unwilling participant, when life gets busy or complicated, it's easy to put the Secondary at the bottom end of the priority list.
That's when hard decisions must be made. Sometimes love is not enough. If one gives up trying, why should the other continue? It's futile. That is relevant in all relationships - poly or mono.
There are a few of us Mono-Sec on here. I'm sure many would agree with me that we strive for the health of the relationship as a whole, but at times we can be left on the sidelines. There is a definite imbalance. That's where my life strategies have the most positive impact on my life and attitude.
There has been advice on these threads on the Mono-Sec choice that say we should just get another lover, bf, gf, whatever to fill the space between . It's not that easy! We are Mono by choice, by hard wire, DNA, whatever. We believe in poly and that people can love more than one person, we just don't care or choose to do that. We are wired for one. So that's tough to consider as you don't want to give up on the one that you love to move on to another and you don't want to hurt that person either because you know that they do love you. My bf and I have talked about this at length on too many occasions. He knows that I'm committed to him, it hurts him to think of me being lonely and his hands are tied to try to help regardless of how much he wants to and needs to be with me more. And he really doesn't like the idea of me finding another because he knows what that means to him, he would be out of the picture. It's not easy for any of us.
It's probably why others refrained from comment because they know that they are in this only because they love and are committed to the person they are with, and they will do their best to make things work for all involved. But if circumstances change and they are forced (by their own hand or the couples) to leave, given the choice to do this again in the future, they'd most likely opt out.